Tag: faith

When Vacations are Hard: Part 2 – The Scramble

Isaiah 42:16 AMP I will lead the blind by a way they do not know; I will guide them in paths that they do not know. I will make darkness into light before them and rugged places into plains. These things I will do ( for them) And I will not leave them abandoned or undone.

I began my day today at 4:30 a.m. and I feel good about it. I am all about early mornings, naturally waking up between 4:30-6 each day. To be clear, I am also in bed by 9:30 p.m. I love feeling like I get a jump on the day. I love my first sip of hot coffee. I love experiencing the sunrise across my backyard. I am indeed a morning person which does not explain why I was so loudly proclaiming my dissatisfaction with the 4:30 am start our family would need to make to gain entrance into Rocky Mountain National park – specifically the Sky Pond Trail access on our recent vacation. I am learning to recognize that when I start to whine its most likely a cover up for some deeper feelings of fear of the unknown. (Or I need to eat something)

Our family has been visiting National Parks for 30 years. In the good old days one would drive in to the park, pay the entrance fee and enjoy one of many hiking trails, picnic grounds and scenic overlooks. Over the last several years these parks have grown in popularity, so much so that The National Park Service has needed to limit the numbers of people that enter. Parking lots are maxed out and trails are actually crowded. On June 1st online registration opens for the summer and you have to log in to the website to reserve a spot. Which is exactly what we did. The opening available for the day we wanted was between 5-7 am. And we were staying at a ranch 2 hours away from this trail head. Goodness.

The 2 hour drive to the trail gave plenty of time to enjoy coffee and the sunrise and the views of Rocky Mountain National park . It was going to be a glorious day. This time also provided opportunity to research the details of the trail we would hike on the All Trails app. The 8 mile hike(actually turned out to be 10) would include views of mountain streams, beautiful lakes and several waterfalls. The Sky Pond hike was less popular then other hikes which we hoped meant less crowded. Many reviews also noted there would be a scramble portion on the last leg of the hike.

Scramble… hmm.

Now, lets be clear. I have one general rule for hikes. Just one.

  1. There needs to be a clear, well marked trail.

Clear.

Well marked.

No questions about which way to go.

The trail can be hard and long. It just needs to be

Clear.

And well marked.

Definition of Scramble: make one’s way quickly or awkwardly up a steep slope or over rough ground by using one’s hands as well as one’s feet. Move hurriedly or clumsily from or into a particular place or position.

Nowhere do I see “clear and well marked” in this definition.

When my family informed me of what exactly a scramble was and I kept reading advice on how to navigate the scramble on this particular trail my defenses went up. Just 24 hours ago I had stretched myself way past my comfort zone on a high ropes challenge course. ( Read When Vacations are Hard: Part 1) I felt that was adequate stretching for one vacation. This scramble was not only an unmarked, figure your own way, part of the trail. It was through, next to, very close…

to a waterfall.

Which means steep, slippery rocks.

We would need to navigate steep, slippery rocks with hands and feet on an unmarked portion of the trail.

No thank you.

I informed my family that since this trail was an out and back (meaning you hike to the end and then return on the same path) and the scramble was towards the end, I may just wait for them. I would sit and rest while they scrambled to their hearts content. All good.

When we approached the scramble after a fairly challenging 4 miles of hiking we saw people of all ages and sizes indeed scrambling up the scramble. I decided that if I could leave my backpack near the bottom of the scramble I would actually give it a try. Tom and I watched our kids scramble up before we started. It took less the two steps up the wet rocks that I knew I had reach my end. The fear that had washed over me the day before on the high ropes course was back. My capacity for yet another challenge was spent.

“I’m not doing it. If I go up then I’m going to have to figure out a way to get back down. It’s just too much. Go on with out me.”

Tom asked several times if I was sure of my decision and I indeed was. Over my life I have learned healthy boundaries on what I choose to take on. I have learned when to say no and when to say yes. I have learned to be comfortable with people not understanding either of those answers – especially when it impacts them.

Yet what I realized in the moments to come was that my no was actually a not yet. I needed to wait, shift perspectives, learn a lesson in the midst of that scramble that lay before me.

After Tom successfully made his way up the scramble I found a big rock to rest and enjoy my sandwich and bottle of water. I was thoroughly enjoying watching people scramble up and down the mountain. My joints and muscles were thanking me for the break I was giving them and I was making a list of all I was grateful for in the moment.

And then I saw it.

Another way. Another drier, less slippery way up the scramble.

There was a women descending the scramble and I saw her take another route that all those before her had missed. I was able to see her descent because I had shifted my perspective. Her way looked dry, safe and manageable. And then I felt it…

The power that comes when your willing to be open to new ways of tackling a hard thing. When you pause long enough and are looking close enough, and listening intently enough to recognize another way. I immediately knew I could get up that scramble. I just knew it. I made my way towards this less traveled section and two other women joined me. One said – this is brilliant. I can do THIS!

I know, right?

The new route was not without challenge. It did indeed require hands and feet to step and pull up the surface of rocks. I did get my feet wet when I stepped from my dry path, across the waterfall to the next set of dry rocks. Each move had to be well calculated. The hikers before and after were offering advice and encouragement. It was glorious. It felt amazing. It was another reminder that new perspectives on our hards can change everything. This time the encouragement didn’t come from my trusted spouse or other close family member. I was all alone in my thoughts but my eyes were open. I believe God lead me to the rock and gave me the view of the woman showing me the path that would be perfect for me. He had yet another lesson I needed to learn. It was this one shift that changed everything. My body that had just moments before felt fatigued, overwhelmed and fear filled now felt calm, strong and confident.

So many times in the bible God’s advice to his people in challenging situations is to wait. My all time favorite,

Isaiah 40:31. But those that wait for the Lord (who expect, look for and hope in Him) will gain new strength and renew their power; They will lift up their wings (and rise up close to God) like eagles ( rising toward the sun); They will run and not become weary, they will walk and not grow tired.

So many times when I hit a really hard, I want to quit. I immediately count myself out because of past experiences which have limited my beliefs about myself and more importantly my God who promises to always lead and guide. I move to quick fixes for peace rather then sitting in the hard and waiting for Gods best path forward. In the waiting He promises to strengthen and help. He promises to hold us by His hand. He promises to never leave us abandoned or undone.

Isaiah 41:10 Don’t be afraid for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

It was in the alone moments, the waiting moments I had while looking at the scramble that I saw another way. I couldn’t rely on the voice of Tom or my kids. No one was inviting me up but yet the pull to try was so strong. That’s how God work. He gives us glimpses of hope and the energy to move forward – when we wait. As I made my ascent I was flooded with memories of the ways He has lead me through my life. I saw the really hard situations that clearly I had gotten through because I was alive to remember them. Times when the world was so quiet but his voice so comforting, confident and clear. I am so grateful for this day. The reminders of how God does indeed light our paths. “By your words I can see where I’m going; they throw a beam of light on my dark path.” Psalm 119:105 The Message

And yet, I have dear friends and family that have or are experiencing life scrambles that will not end this side of heaven. Alzheimers, ALS, MS, terminal cancer, childhood diabetes, widowed as a young mom, widowed at any time.

Life alone in sickness and after trauma is indeed a scramble.

The unknown.

The pain.

The view of others navigating similar scrambles along very different paths.

The loud voices from the past.

But God.

I have spent a good amount of time on my own, with trusted friends and with a professional counselor processing the scrambles of my life. Pausing to wait for the Lords interpretation has brought healing and strength and hope. As I moved from the rock on which I sat to the scramble I would embark along the waterfall, the Lord was reminding me of so much more about him and not many things about me. He did not remind me of the abilities of which he had given me or the health of which I possessed or the evidence that the scramble was possible because of all the people I had watched ascend and descend before me.

He needed me to know….

He was there. In His Power, HIs might, His peace, His provision. In exactly the way I would need him. Showing me my path. Lighting the way.

Just like he did with another frightened and overwhelmed man he asked to join him on a life scramble.

In the Old testament God calls Moses to lead his people that have been enslaved in Egypt and Moses response is a laundry list of all the reasons he was not the man for the job. The scramble was just too much.

“But Moses said to God, who am I , that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?” Exodus 3:11

God does something surprising. He doesn’t remind Moses of his top 5 strengths. He does not share his enneagram, Meyers Brigs score or list of accolades.

He’s says this…

‘I will be with you.’ Exodus 3:12

God with us. Lights our path, renews our strength, offers new perspective leading us to new heights of trust and love with HIM. In the scramble. It’s what was most important to Moses and what is most important for us. Because friends – those scrambles keep coming.

When I pulled myself to the top of the scramble I looked expectantly for my family. I believed that our desired destination, Sky Pond, was at the top. I started down a path that lead around a bend in the rock – surely the pond would be there.

It was not.

A bit further and I saw Tom coming towards me.

“You did it!” he yelled.

Yes, I replied – but Where is the pond?

The look on his face revealed it all. The pond was actually not at the top of the scramble. It would be another 3/4 of a mile before we saw the most anticipated sight and my children enjoying it all. The end of the scramble brought me to another leg of the journey…

not the end I had hoped for.

Goodness friends. Can you relate? When one hard leads not to earthly peace but another stretch of unknown road. With each step of that hike I needed to lay down expectations of what I had hoped would bring me peace. An easier path. A lighter back pack. Less nagging fears in my brain.

I never want to forgot those lessons. Each day I am working to lay down the expectations I have of the worldly things I seek for peace and look to the one truth I can count on. The words God said to Moses, he says to me.

He says to you.

“I will be with you.’

Scramble on my friends,

scramble on.

For Ed

“I remember my afflictions and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall I will remember them and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have HOPE, because of the Lord’s great love we are NOT consumed for HIS compassion never fails. They are NEW every morning – Great is your faithfulness. I say to myself “The Lord is my portion therefore I will wait for him, to the one who seeks him it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. ” Lamentation 3:21-25

” I did her funeral.”

To the untrained ear – these words could feel an odd answer to the question – “Did we live here when his wife passed?” Unless your husband is an ordained pastor. Then its 100% normal and 100% the answer I got yesterday when I asked my husband this question after leaving a visit…

with our friend Ed.

It’s been almost four months since I opened this blog. It’s been almost four months since I’ve even attempted to write any words of any length on any subject. And not coincidentally It’s been almost four months since I said my earthly goodbyes to my mom.

It appears that entering in to this space that has been a sanctuary for processing life and God’s word and how the two intersect did not feel as safe as it used too. The ideas that once stirred in my mind while walking the streets of my little town or blow drying my hair just seemed to stop. The traumatic months that ended in my moms passing last December seemed to sap the energy from my tending to lots of responsibilities … cleaning the bathroom, making a meal that didn’t come pre packaged and pausing long enough to welcome the gift that I feel I have received so many times .. the gift of story, the gift of insight, the gift of hope that came tumbling out of my heart and mind in the form of words.

One might describe this as a word drought.

Drought:

  1. a period of drier-than-normal conditions. It can last for days, months or years.
  2. A prolonged absence of a specified thing.

We are all too familiar with “drought” living in a once drought laden part of the country. Our home is in the middle of farm land that people we know and love depend on for their livelihood. As I sit at my kitchen table pounding away at my keyboard I can look out and see land farmed by 3 different farmers. The first patch – It’s Strobel land. The second – Oetting and then in the distance are 2 navy blue silos -representing the third family – and the friend we visited yesterday…Ed.

All of this land including the blue silos have been the most photographed piece of landscape in my phone since the summer of 2017 – the year we took ownership of our Sweet Sandia home. Since that time we have enjoyed not only the beauty of all the seasons of farmland but getting to know each of the families that care for this piece of God’s creation. There is not one day that goes by that I don’t thank God for the gift of this home and the way he reminds me of his goodness with each morning sunrise over farmland. And today… it is the blue silos and our friend Ed… that have pulled me out of my silence. The words… and today the tears… are coming.

My husband has known Ed for over 30 years. Tom knew him first as the father of Jenny – a high school classmate. Tom also knew Ed as one of the men that fought to keep his high school open many years ago when it was on the verge of closing. It’s such a cool story. I asked him to repeat it yesterday when we were visiting. It just never gets old. I met Ed for the first time 8 years ago when we moved here. He was kind and quiet. He would engage in conversation after Sunday morning bible class. On Thursday mornings I would often see Ed going to the weekly mens gathering held on our high school campus and also on my running route. In the most unexpected ways… he became one of my biggest cheerleaders.

It was on one of these early morning runs that Ed first told me how he felt about my blog. I saw Ed leaving his car and heading to the dining hall stairs on my loop around the high school quad when he motioned me to stop. Unbeknownst to me he had been reading my then weekly posts and had read my latest that may have even dropped that morning. After I pulled out my earbuds I paused and he looked me in the eye and said, “Don’t stop. Don’t stop writing. Your words are really important.” Over the years since that morning Ed has reminded me of how something I have written has impacted him. His genuine interest is often what moved me to open my computer and write.

In the fall of 2022 when I was diagnosed with breast Cancer, Ed took on the role of a different form of cheerleader. Ed offered support and kind words that came from a place of knowing. Not only was he a personal cancer survivor but the ugly disease took his wife years before. It was one of the many funerals my husband performed the first year we lived in our little town and he was filling in as a vacancy pastor. It is this very same disease that prompted our visit with Ed yesterday.

Ed’s cancer is back.

Hospice has been called and his daughter Jenny posted on facebook that despite being tired and weak, Ed welcomed visitors and was ready to receive them. There was no question that a visit to Ed was top priority on our list of Saturday activities. We had hoped that our visit would bring him joy and a distraction to the pain he is experiencing but in true Ed form- he was the one that did the encouraging.

As we entered Ed’s room in our local nursing home we were greeted with the welcome smile of his daughter followed by the bright eyes of Ed. He reached out his hand to offer a firm hand shake and invited us to have a seat. He cut straight to the truth of his situation. The Non- Hodgkin’s Lymphoma that has returned is aggressive and the treatment brutal. His first bought with cancer was 9 years ago and he said Doctors have been surprised at all the life he has been gifted to live. Now, with the all the confidence and peace in the world Ed says,

“I’m ready.”

Ready to go home.

To heaven.

To Jesus.

We spoke for several minutes about the details of this diagnosis and then entered into an hour of lovely conversation about past memories from Ed’s life and our small town. Ed asked for updates on the high school ( the one he fought to keep open, the one from which Tom and 2 of our children graduated and the one where Tom currently teaches. SPLHS is pretty significant to all of us!). We talked weather. We talked about his blue silos I see every time I look over my backyard. Ed asked about my work – he has always asked about my work with a genuine interest in understanding what I do.

It was light.

It was easy.

It was unburdened.

It was the kind of conversation you can have with someone at peace. Someone confident in who they are and where they are going.

Deadlines are funny things. They have the power to move us into action or in this case move me out of a drought. When Ed stopped me in the middle of my run years ago and he said those words… ” Don’t stop writing” I made him a promise. I promised him I wouldn’t stop. I promised him I would keep listening to the words God gave me and put them down on paper.

So Ed – this one is for you. The one that spoke the words I would need to remember when I thought the words had stopped. The one that showed me peace in the midst of your final days. The one that is displaying confidence in the hope we can have in Jesus. The passing of my mom just about did me in, or at least this blog. Ed, it is the anticipation of your passing that has pulled me out. Your friendship has been such a gift. Your authentic interest in my life, my families and my words are more precious than you can know.

For everyone else…I hope that if you are reading this you too have an Ed in your life. Someone that takes time to ask questions and share encouragement.

Hmm… or maybe …..

you are the Ed……

that someone is waiting for.