Kitchen Tables

DATE DAY

If you time it right you can get right in. A seat at the table of our favorite Kansas City BBQ restaurant. If you time it wrong you are in for at least an hour wait. Its always worth it – the food is amazing. But if we have the option of eating in an off hour with less wait time – we will take it. Although we love Q39 BBQ- I had originally wanted to spend our date night at a beautiful restaurant overlooking the Missouri River. We discovered it in fall of 2020. It was one of our first excursious out of town in the after mast of covid. It was delightful. Delicious food. Good Missouri wine. I was so excited to go back – it had been too long.

I was disappointed when the web site informed me that it had transitioned to an EVENT ONLY establishment. “Host your college reunion, wedding reception, birthday party”. How about dinner for 2 celebrating making it through another year?

I just wanted a quiet seat, at a quiet table in a lovely restaurant to reconnect with my husband.

Plan B:

Lovely dinner – got right in. Burnt ends burger. A little disappointing – truffle fries off the menu. Semi delicious mock tail. And then we were off.

When I had envisioned our time in the city – I imagined a delicious meal and then a browse around The KC Plaza area. Our drive to the plaza took us through a beautiful neighborhood with winding, hilly streets with homes that look like they sprung up from the limestone bedrock soil – for which this part of the world is famous. (Fun Fact: KC is often called the Limestone Belt) . It was a clear, sunny afternoon in the mid 40’s. Really perfect for window shopping and an occasional peak inside those stores that were calling our name.

Our usual parking garage was a buz (tranlsation – packed with impatient drivers) activity. In the past we had zipped in and parked quickly. As we navigated the crowded space – I began to feel claustrophobic and was on the verge of suggesting we just go home. The other interesting observation was that we began to notice people pulling home made signs and posters out of their cars – like the were preparing for a protest. hmmm….. I could feel my imagined happy, peace filled date with my husband slipping away.

Protest it was.

After one more swoop around the block and the discovery of another entrance to a higher level of the parking garage with plenty of open spaces we parked and headed out. We continued to see a few people with their signs. Again ….Hmm…. My husband said he had wondered if this …

what? a protest?

would happen.

Really?

COUCH STORE

I’ve been thinking about couches. I love the L shaped versions I often see in Costco and I have occasionally been drawn in to the commercials showing sectionals that can be reconfigured with covers that are machine washable and are guaranteed to last 100 years. As we rounded the corner after exiting the parking garage, we saw it. The couch store. It was full of cozy seating and the softest pillows. In we went. The sales woman was lovely. A recent college grad and new to the KC area. She was moonlighting at the couch store and her full time job was with the Army Core of Engineers. She did a great job. She knew her product and knew how to meet us where we were. There was relaxing, happy music playing. Just lovely. She asked if we wanted to snuggle in to one of the display couches and watch a 3 minute video that would share a special feature of the higher end versions that included surround sound. Of course!

About 30 seconds into the infomercial -the distraction started. It began as an occasional voice yelling and then turned into unified chants. The sign carriers we had seen in the parking garage had gathered with hundreds of others to express their disdain. They were clear on where they stood and what they believed. Many signs were filled with explitives fueled by anger. We attempted to focus on the video and the comfy couch but our heads kept turning to the march happening right outside the store windows – just 20 feet away.

The contrast was obvious, and strange and a bit awkward. Do we stop watching the video and pull up a few more sectionals and process what felt like crazy with the 3 sales people that were standing between us and the window? Looking back – I kind of wish we would have. After the video completed and we stood up to leave – I said “I kind of want to hang out with you guys for a little while.” To which the african american male said – you are welcome to stay as long as you like.” Not in a “Please stay so we can sell you something” but in a “yea, this is weird and I wouldn’t want to go out in that either.”

MIDDLE GROUND

Here’s where I confess my limited knowledge of world events. I don’t want to live with my head in the sand but I also am not a fan of news media ( no matter the angle) that use fear to induce anxiety with the attempt to keep me locked in – so I don’t miss out. I hate it. I depend on Tom to keep me in the loop. He explained how recent events in another city in another state may have provoked people in our city and state to express their feelings.

Does it matter what it was? – nope.

By the time I post this – there will most likely have been another event and another protest. It appears that is the way we roll. No middle ground – just people living in their bubbles – focusing on one point of view and then when someone infringes on it we yell at all other bubbles – with the desire to….

and this is my question – what is the desire? The hoped for outcome?

Im thankful we live in a country where we have the right to express out beliefs. The group that marched down the heart of Kansas City was peaceful ( for the most part) and had taken the legal steps needed to shut down the street for an hour. As we left the store we found ourselves walking in the opposite direction of the march. I made eye contact with a few – hesitant smiles and head nods. But gosh … I was struck with the emptiness that comes when there is an obvious elephant in the room and there isn’t a table to sit at to begin eating it…

one

bite

at a time.

The very next day our church community gathered for fellowship over the best potluck ( our church kills pot luck) and conversation. We heard from our volunteer leaders and the work they had been doing to further the mission of sharing Christ with our little part of the world. We had opportunity to ask questions and share perspectives. These occasions, also known as Voters meeting, are filled with lots of opinions, voices wanting to be heard , all believing their way is right…. and most likely – everyone having valid reasons to feel the way they do.

Where is the middle ground? Where is the table? How do you lead a large group to desire to understand each other, more importantly – understand God. Where is HE working? Where does HE want us to join him?

MY TABLES

In my 22 years of working as a consultant for a major skin care and cosmetic company I have learned the beauty and the power of the kitchen table. The kitchen is where people spend the most time, its where the most beautiful and the most challenging conversations are had. I have memories of lingering around tables after dinner – connecting and processing the events of the day. My in laws were pros at this. When I met them they were retired – so in a season where the rush of life was gone. My husband tells me the after dinner linger was actually something that they always did.

I have memories of storming away from the dinner table as a teen – frustrated with the decisions my parents had made about something I wanted to do.

We get real in the kitchen.

So, when a recent new potential client offered to just “Shop off my website – so I would not need to make the long drive – to sit at her kitchen table….” I replied – oh I absolutely want to come to you. It’s what I do! Our company believes in letting people experience the products before ever making a purchase. We want to be confident that you are totally happy and meeting in person helps me to best connect you to your perfect routine. All I need is access to water and a kitchen table.

A table,

in the kitchen.

Nothing fancy.

Please remove the festive centerpiece – I will need space for my product demos, space to take notes on you, your skin,

your life.

The kitchen – the space where food is prepared – from Joanna Gaines veggie lasagna that requires 27 steps and focused attention to each detail to a quick frozen pizza thrown in the oven at the end of a busy day. This room holds the place where we are reminded we are not immortal, we need regular sustenance to keep going. The table shouts out a call to pause, to sit, to recharge in order to move forward.

9 For he satisfies the thirsty
    and fills the hungry with good things. Psalm 107

Tom and I love sports – and when an exciting game is on – we will eat on the couch. Often its on pizza nights. It’s a fun shift from the ordinary. It also takes us away from the connection as we turn our focus to a game we wont remember a week later – maybe as a way to avoid the yuck of the day, of life… as we drift away from the table.

But the table.

This week my seats at kitchen tables opened up conversation with a ‘new to our town’ , young newlywed. She shared her excitement for the next year of her life when she and her husband will host an Italian exchange student.

I learned about another young mom that recently lost a baby,

and a 75 year old cancer survivor that is now permanently on oxygen because of a trial drug experiment gone bad.

I learned about the excitement of a single woman heading off on a new adventure with a move across the country.

I learned from an 81 year old man that losing part of his driving privileges is hard – a bright light shown on the reality that we cant stop aging, or change – no matter what the season we are in.

As I get to know more about the people I spent time with this week, around kitchen tables, I imagine I will discover things with which we don’t agree. If I stay curious I may gain important perspectives that I may not have had if I stayed walking in the opposite direction of those that think differently and never stopped to pull up a seat at table. Knee to knee, eye ball …..

to actual eye ball.

Tell me more.

UNEXPECTED TABLES

As Tom and I continued our walk feeling like fish swimming up stream , we began looking for a restroom. We needed a quick stop before we headed home.

The sign said, “Welcome, come on in, restroom available.” It had the name of a bank – but it didn’t look like one. It had tables, and a coffee bar and a couple of conference rooms. When the physical warmth of the cozy space hit our faces we were greeted by a kind young man letting use know we were welcome and please let him know how he could serve us. We walked up to the coffee bar that had a display of sweet treats. When asked how they could help – Tom replied “I’d like something sweet but not sure what it is.”

Well… why don’t you let us share some macroons, for free. Which flavor would you like?”

We accepted the treats and wandered around what we now understand is a most brilliant marketing strategy by a bank – The Capital One Cafe. Make people feel safe and seen and heard. Train the staff to not push, just meet felt needs and be ready when there is curiosity about the whys of the space. We used the restroom, sat at one of the comfortable tables. We never felt like we were intruding or that someone wanted us to do something. There was no requirement to use the restroom like another store that only let you in to the restroom if you had a code found on the bottom of your receipt… after your purchased something. It would have been the perfect space to invite one of the marchers in to learn more about the fire that fueled their passion to make a sign, bundle up for a walk down a closed off street on a cold and blustery January Saturday.

The whole 1 hour drive home I couldn’t stop thinking about the contrast between the couch store, the cafe and the protest march. I realized that what I really wanted or what would have been really amazing was if there was space big enough for the marchers and the shoppers in stores lining the streets to gather, together.

A place filled with small tables, free maccroons , accessible restrooms. A place that encouraged conversation and sharing and hopefully hearts curious and open to learn. And when I started to feel overwhelmed by the feeling that the gaps in our world – in

every

single

sector

are just too big, to actually accomplish what my heart was yearning for…

I felt the Lord say…

Start with your table, your family, your neighbors. He reminded me of the tables with which I had sat and the things he had revealed. He said start there, with the people God brings across your path that you may initially dismiss because of the clear differences you may have.

Because of…

The sign in their yard.

The church the do or do not attend.

The identity they chose.

The music they listen too.

The books they read.

The clothes they wear.

The things they post on social media.

The food they eat.

They ways they discipline their children.

It’s hard right? But it’s not impossible.

One table, with 2 chairs and 2 open hearts and minds.

Lord draw us close to you.

Lord draw us close to those we love

and those we do not.

Restore our land.

The Beatitudes

Matthew 5:3-10

3 “God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him,[a]
    for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.
4 God blesses those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
5 God blesses those who are humble,
    for they will inherit the whole earth.
6 God blesses those who hunger and thirst for justice,[b]
    for they will be satisfied.
7 God blesses those who are merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
8 God blesses those whose hearts are pure,
    for they will see God.
9 God blesses those who work for peace,
    for they will be called the children of God.
10 God blesses those who are persecuted for doing right,
    for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.

FALL RISK

It was the foggiest Christmas season I can remember. Not spotty fog that burns off by mid morning, but thick, dense, suffocating fog that lingers from sun up to sun down. Days of it.

Days,

and Days….

and Days.

A fog that makes one think – it cannot possibly be this dark tomorrow. And then it is, again and again and again.

On New Years Eve – after what felt like a month of fogginess – the thick clouds finally lifted. The sun shown, the blue sky danced and you could feel a shift in the energy in the air and in our Vitamin D deprived souls. So when I snuggled into bed at 9 pm (my normal New Years eve bedtime, lets be clear – my normal- every night bedtime). I had the fleeting thought that this new blue sky trend must continue.

New Year – New Sky.

Fresh visions, renewed hope for a better future. Desire to do more. Resolves for stronger habits – deeper convictions.

All.

The.

Things.

And then I woke up and it was back, denser than before.

The fog in the air, and if I am honest – some of the fog in my soul.

What the what?

Despite it being an actual New YEAR – what do you do when everything still feels the same? When the flip of the calendar is just that – a flip of the calendar. Everything else, the circumstances, the realities, the dirty dishes in this sink and laundry in the basket – still there.

What do we do when we want change so desperately and everything around us wants to dim our ability to see what we we thought was so clear?

I realized when I opened up this writing platform that I have 10 unfinished blogs spanning the last 1 1/2 years. The last completed blog was in the summer of 2024. There were several years where I wrote weekly and during Lent of 2020 I wrote and published something

every.

single.

day.

What happened?

Life has felt low key confusing verging of full out chaos. I know you can relate.

Chaos up – Writing down.

Ever dropped anything in your foggy seasons?

I know, because I listen and I watch. I see the lives of people I know and love in the midst of things they never thought possible. For many, 2025 was a year of deep hurt and overwhelming challenge.

Toward the end of December I was getting a steady stream of inspiring quotes to process and questions to answer as I prepared for a New Year. In the midst of the normal – “You can do it, its a fresh start, God is making all things new posts” I saw one that gave me pause.

It was not an encouragement to look forward but to pause and look back. In the long list of questions formatted as individual frames of an instagram post – there were two that stood out.

  1. Before you plan next year, spend one weekend asking yourself what actually drained you this year. ( most high achieving humans jump straight into next year’s goals without understanding the patterns that exhausted them.)
  2. List 10 unexpected gifts from this year, things you’re grateful for that you didn’t plan. (BRAINZ MAGAZINE)

In the midst of the actual fog blocking my backyard sunrise view and a cold that has taken control of my sinus cavities – making thinking difficult – it created the perfect opportunity to ponder these 2 things:

Things that drained

Unexpected Gifts

FALL RISK

First – Things that drain.

I made my list. I discovered there were several things that have been on the list for literal years. Things within my control. Things I didn’t feel I had the energy or ability to do anything about. – which I now realize was simply not true. Second – I discovered that there were some very real and hard things that had occurred. I allowed myself time to acknowledge both the difficulty of the circumstances and the reality that I was still alive. STILL ALIVE.

Written, honest words on a page staring back at you are powerful.

The fall season brought on a level of chaos I had not anticipated. I watched two women in my town lose spouses too soon. My body was reminding me daily of the need for a surgery that would need to wait until we walked through a “necessary spine surgery” for my dad. I would need to be available to him and then I could deal with my own stuff. This surgery that I was lead to believe would require 2 weeks of intense caregiving time turned in to 2 months. Full of multiple urgent phone calls – “your dad fell. He didn’t sleep” He will need to be in Rehab 3 weeks – not 3 days. Once home we were making regular trips to the ER. I spent hours in the ER, hours in the hospital when docs were trying to figure out what was going on. My sweet dad was struggling. I wanted him back and healthy. I wanted my mom -his wife- back and by his side. Hours with a Geriatric Pharmacist that seemed to give some good advice. We moved forward with tentative hope.

UNEXPECTED GIFTS

By the end of October things seemed fairly stable. My husband and I were able to attend a 3 day Spiritual Leadership Coaching workshop with some of my very best friends and their spouses. It provided time to process, to grow deeper in our understanding of how God wants to speak to us and others. These three days gave space to think new thoughts and bring some of the realities of my world into focus. I found myself crying out to God. I was so tired of feeling like I couldn’t make plans, have vision for a future. Life was so foggy, so many things were falling. I would take one step forward and feel like I would need to take 5 steps back. The risk of forward thinking was being smashed down by the weight of the fog and falls it seemed to fuel.

And then….

And then…. God spoke.

It was more – God reminded me. I love that when scripture comes to our mind , we can trust the Holy Spirit had something to do with it.

In John 14:26 Jesus says,

But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.

One of the questions we were asked at the Spiritual Leadership Coaching Workshop was – “What false vines are you connected to?” Where are you looking for peace that is not from God? Where are you spending your time? What thoughts dominate your mind? What beliefs are you holding tight to that are not from the true vine,Jesus, that we learn about in John 15.

God revealed his answer through an obscure story from the Old Testament. I had read it months ago ( shout out The Bible Recap reading plan). Obscure then but now God used it to break through the fog of discouragement that had settled in. He turned what felt like a whisper when I first read it into a shout from the mountain tops – straight to my fog covered heart.

The false vine I had been holding tight too, the mantra I was repeating over and over and over…

I can’t have vision or hope for the future in the midst of chaos. My life will always be one of survival – not thriving. I can’t think ahead – the circumstances are too daunting. Buckle up and settle in for a life of mediocrity that leave hope in the backseat.. maybe even kicked to the curb. I was tired and this vine felt very comfortable. Pass the remote… pour a glass of wine.

And then there came Elisha.

The account in 2 Kings 6 describes a challenging season in the lives of God’s people the Israelites. A prophet Elisha had been sent to share God’s truth to them and to their adversaries. And one king was ticked.

2 KINGS 6:9-20

9 The man of God ( Elisha) sent word to the king of Israel: “Beware of passing that place, because the Arameans are going down there.” 10 So the king of Israel checked on the place indicated by the man of God. Time and again Elisha warned the king, so that he was on his guard in such places.

11 This enraged the king of Aram. He summoned his officers and demanded of them, “Tell me! Which of us is on the side of the king of Israel?”

12 “None of us, my lord the king,” said one of his officers, “but Elisha, the prophet who is in Israel, tells the king of Israel the very words you speak in your bedroom.”

13 “Go, find out where he is,” the king ordered, “so I can send men and capture him.” The report came back: “He is in Dothan.” 14 Then he sent horses and chariots and a strong force there. They went by night and surrounded the city.

15 When the servant of Elisha got up and went out early the next morning, an army with horses and chariots had surrounded the city. “Oh no, my lord! What shall we do?” the servant asked.

16 “Don’t be afraid,” the prophet answered. “Those who are with us are more than those who are with them.”

17 And Elisha prayed, “Open his eyes, Lord, so that he may see.” Then the Lord opened the servant’s eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha.

18 As the enemy came down toward him, Elisha prayed to the Lord, “Strike this army with blindness.” So he struck them with blindness, as Elisha had asked.

19 Elisha told them, “This is not the road and this is not the city. Follow me, and I will lead you to the man you are looking for.” And he led them to Samaria.

20 After they entered the city, Elisha said, “Lord, open the eyes of these men so they can see.” Then the Lord opened their eyes and they looked, and there they were, inside Samaria.

We can have vision in chaos, focus in the fog…..

when our spiritual eyes are opened.

God showed up and showed off in the midst of possibly one of the most confusing times for the servant of Elisha. They were physically surrounded by their enemies. So dense ( like a fog that doesn’t lift) that hope was lost. What will we do!!!!

But Elisha..

But God….

the one who can give

focus in the fog

light in the darkness.

Vision in the Chaos

Hope for our future.

When the calendar turned from October to November – I just kept waiting for the week when I could rest. The only pre requisite was that I needed major surgery before that could happen. Before the world and I would know I

was not available.

For anyone.

I could

not

wait.

The Monday of the week of Thanksgiving I checked into surgery I was given 2 hospital bracelets.

One had printed my identity – Full name, birthdate.

Beth Lynn Lange

10/21/1970

One that indicated I was a FALL RISK. hmmm…. ironic – I thought. Hours of my life have been dedicated to putting out fires with my dad because of this identification.

And what I would learn 10 hours later…is that we all,

in every moment of our lives..

are at risk of falling.

My doctor tells me now that I was on his – super simple, low challenge, low risk, easy peasy surgery list for his day in the operating room. He now tells me the actual surgery was quick, shorter that expected, didn’t reveal any cancer,( PTL) removed the pesky and quite large fibroid, and all my reproductive organs. Everything looked great.

Until it wasn’t.

A series of unfortunate events starting with my bodies inability to totally wake up after surgery lead to foley bags inserted, stroke protocols called for when I couldn’t answer the questions I’d been asked a gazilion times: Name, Birthdate, where are you…..

I have memories of looking at Tom, he looked concerned, looking at my friend Allie, a nurse who works in the hospital where I was and stopped by to check in , trying to ask them what was going on. In my head I knew what I wanted to say but the words, gosh the words..

Just so hard to find the words.

Lots of lights, lots of doctors, rushing down a hallway, cat scan, “Beth you need to lay still”… “Oh yes I thought – I’ve done this before.” Back to my room.

Nurses all night long that wanted to know my name and my darn birthdate. Why? Why do you need to know? Are you planning a party for my next circle around the sun celebration? Why was this question so hard.

And then 7 a.m. came and the fog was gone. Just like that.

My body didn’t like the cocktail of anesthesia and post surgery pain meds. Once things had processed through my body – I was fine. Just fine.

Beth Lynn Lange

10/21/1970

I answered the nurse boldly, confidently.

And my dear husband who had spent the night on the hard hospital room couch proclaimed,

“She’s back.”

When I think back on those approx 16 hours of crazy.. I do not remember feeling afraid.. I just wondered how long this fog would last?

Isn’t that what we want to know when the fog feels thick – Lord how long?

How long will feel I this way,

How long, How long, how long.

And the Lord answers – I’m here.

No time frame, no schedule of events, no programs with all the acts of our lives formatted perfectly where you can see the beginning, middle and end all at one time.

Just the promise.. I’m here. Immanual – God with us.

He brings light to our darkness, our fog, our confusion, our despair… its what he does. Its what he did… from the first day he created the world,

Genesis 1:1-2

1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. 2 Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

3 And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. 4 God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness. 5 God called the light “day,” and the darkness he called “night.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day.

To the light he used to lead his people through the dessert, Exodus 13:21

By day the Lord went ahead of them in a pillar of cloud to guide them on their way and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, so that they could travel by day or night.

And when he sent his son in flesh as the light that came into to world to redeem and restore all that has been lost.

John 8:15

When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

Things that drain,

Unexpected gifts.

I found my lists beginning to dance together. It was in the draining seasons where I experienced so many unexpected gifts. Gods people encouraging, Gods timing opening up small pockets to enjoy the delights of life, God giving strength and answers I simply did not have. Mourning would turn to dancing would turn to mourning and spin back around to dancing. The Lord used both lists to bring me good and Him glory.

He can and he does give Vision in our Chaos. He will open our spiritual eyes to things beyond our understanding.

Sometimes shining enough light for one tiny step.

Sometimes giving clear, miles wide vision for our future.

His light ……in my fog,

your fog.

Lord,

open

our

eyes.

Amen.

2 Cor 4:4-12

 4 The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel that displays the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. 5 For what we preach is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus’ sake. 6 For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,”[a] made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.

7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. 12 So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

When Vacations are Hard: Part 2 – The Scramble

Isaiah 42:16 AMP I will lead the blind by a way they do not know; I will guide them in paths that they do not know. I will make darkness into light before them and rugged places into plains. These things I will do ( for them) And I will not leave them abandoned or undone.

I began my day today at 4:30 a.m. and I feel good about it. I am all about early mornings, naturally waking up between 4:30-6 each day. To be clear, I am also in bed by 9:30 p.m. I love feeling like I get a jump on the day. I love my first sip of hot coffee. I love experiencing the sunrise across my backyard. I am indeed a morning person which does not explain why I was so loudly proclaiming my dissatisfaction with the 4:30 am start our family would need to make to gain entrance into Rocky Mountain National park – specifically the Sky Pond Trail access on our recent vacation. I am learning to recognize that when I start to whine its most likely a cover up for some deeper feelings of fear of the unknown. (Or I need to eat something)

Our family has been visiting National Parks for 30 years. In the good old days one would drive in to the park, pay the entrance fee and enjoy one of many hiking trails, picnic grounds and scenic overlooks. Over the last several years these parks have grown in popularity, so much so that The National Park Service has needed to limit the numbers of people that enter. Parking lots are maxed out and trails are actually crowded. On June 1st online registration opens for the summer and you have to log in to the website to reserve a spot. Which is exactly what we did. The opening available for the day we wanted was between 5-7 am. And we were staying at a ranch 2 hours away from this trail head. Goodness.

The 2 hour drive to the trail gave plenty of time to enjoy coffee and the sunrise and the views of Rocky Mountain National park . It was going to be a glorious day. This time also provided opportunity to research the details of the trail we would hike on the All Trails app. The 8 mile hike(actually turned out to be 10) would include views of mountain streams, beautiful lakes and several waterfalls. The Sky Pond hike was less popular then other hikes which we hoped meant less crowded. Many reviews also noted there would be a scramble portion on the last leg of the hike.

Scramble… hmm.

Now, lets be clear. I have one general rule for hikes. Just one.

  1. There needs to be a clear, well marked trail.

Clear.

Well marked.

No questions about which way to go.

The trail can be hard and long. It just needs to be

Clear.

And well marked.

Definition of Scramble: make one’s way quickly or awkwardly up a steep slope or over rough ground by using one’s hands as well as one’s feet. Move hurriedly or clumsily from or into a particular place or position.

Nowhere do I see “clear and well marked” in this definition.

When my family informed me of what exactly a scramble was and I kept reading advice on how to navigate the scramble on this particular trail my defenses went up. Just 24 hours ago I had stretched myself way past my comfort zone on a high ropes challenge course. ( Read When Vacations are Hard: Part 1) I felt that was adequate stretching for one vacation. This scramble was not only an unmarked, figure your own way, part of the trail. It was through, next to, very close…

to a waterfall.

Which means steep, slippery rocks.

We would need to navigate steep, slippery rocks with hands and feet on an unmarked portion of the trail.

No thank you.

I informed my family that since this trail was an out and back (meaning you hike to the end and then return on the same path) and the scramble was towards the end, I may just wait for them. I would sit and rest while they scrambled to their hearts content. All good.

When we approached the scramble after a fairly challenging 4 miles of hiking we saw people of all ages and sizes indeed scrambling up the scramble. I decided that if I could leave my backpack near the bottom of the scramble I would actually give it a try. Tom and I watched our kids scramble up before we started. It took less the two steps up the wet rocks that I knew I had reach my end. The fear that had washed over me the day before on the high ropes course was back. My capacity for yet another challenge was spent.

“I’m not doing it. If I go up then I’m going to have to figure out a way to get back down. It’s just too much. Go on with out me.”

Tom asked several times if I was sure of my decision and I indeed was. Over my life I have learned healthy boundaries on what I choose to take on. I have learned when to say no and when to say yes. I have learned to be comfortable with people not understanding either of those answers – especially when it impacts them.

Yet what I realized in the moments to come was that my no was actually a not yet. I needed to wait, shift perspectives, learn a lesson in the midst of that scramble that lay before me.

After Tom successfully made his way up the scramble I found a big rock to rest and enjoy my sandwich and bottle of water. I was thoroughly enjoying watching people scramble up and down the mountain. My joints and muscles were thanking me for the break I was giving them and I was making a list of all I was grateful for in the moment.

And then I saw it.

Another way. Another drier, less slippery way up the scramble.

There was a women descending the scramble and I saw her take another route that all those before her had missed. I was able to see her descent because I had shifted my perspective. Her way looked dry, safe and manageable. And then I felt it…

The power that comes when your willing to be open to new ways of tackling a hard thing. When you pause long enough and are looking close enough, and listening intently enough to recognize another way. I immediately knew I could get up that scramble. I just knew it. I made my way towards this less traveled section and two other women joined me. One said – this is brilliant. I can do THIS!

I know, right?

The new route was not without challenge. It did indeed require hands and feet to step and pull up the surface of rocks. I did get my feet wet when I stepped from my dry path, across the waterfall to the next set of dry rocks. Each move had to be well calculated. The hikers before and after were offering advice and encouragement. It was glorious. It felt amazing. It was another reminder that new perspectives on our hards can change everything. This time the encouragement didn’t come from my trusted spouse or other close family member. I was all alone in my thoughts but my eyes were open. I believe God lead me to the rock and gave me the view of the woman showing me the path that would be perfect for me. He had yet another lesson I needed to learn. It was this one shift that changed everything. My body that had just moments before felt fatigued, overwhelmed and fear filled now felt calm, strong and confident.

So many times in the bible God’s advice to his people in challenging situations is to wait. My all time favorite,

Isaiah 40:31. But those that wait for the Lord (who expect, look for and hope in Him) will gain new strength and renew their power; They will lift up their wings (and rise up close to God) like eagles ( rising toward the sun); They will run and not become weary, they will walk and not grow tired.

So many times when I hit a really hard, I want to quit. I immediately count myself out because of past experiences which have limited my beliefs about myself and more importantly my God who promises to always lead and guide. I move to quick fixes for peace rather then sitting in the hard and waiting for Gods best path forward. In the waiting He promises to strengthen and help. He promises to hold us by His hand. He promises to never leave us abandoned or undone.

Isaiah 41:10 Don’t be afraid for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

It was in the alone moments, the waiting moments I had while looking at the scramble that I saw another way. I couldn’t rely on the voice of Tom or my kids. No one was inviting me up but yet the pull to try was so strong. That’s how God work. He gives us glimpses of hope and the energy to move forward – when we wait. As I made my ascent I was flooded with memories of the ways He has lead me through my life. I saw the really hard situations that clearly I had gotten through because I was alive to remember them. Times when the world was so quiet but his voice so comforting, confident and clear. I am so grateful for this day. The reminders of how God does indeed light our paths. “By your words I can see where I’m going; they throw a beam of light on my dark path.” Psalm 119:105 The Message

And yet, I have dear friends and family that have or are experiencing life scrambles that will not end this side of heaven. Alzheimers, ALS, MS, terminal cancer, childhood diabetes, widowed as a young mom, widowed at any time.

Life alone in sickness and after trauma is indeed a scramble.

The unknown.

The pain.

The view of others navigating similar scrambles along very different paths.

The loud voices from the past.

But God.

I have spent a good amount of time on my own, with trusted friends and with a professional counselor processing the scrambles of my life. Pausing to wait for the Lords interpretation has brought healing and strength and hope. As I moved from the rock on which I sat to the scramble I would embark along the waterfall, the Lord was reminding me of so much more about him and not many things about me. He did not remind me of the abilities of which he had given me or the health of which I possessed or the evidence that the scramble was possible because of all the people I had watched ascend and descend before me.

He needed me to know….

He was there. In His Power, HIs might, His peace, His provision. In exactly the way I would need him. Showing me my path. Lighting the way.

Just like he did with another frightened and overwhelmed man he asked to join him on a life scramble.

In the Old testament God calls Moses to lead his people that have been enslaved in Egypt and Moses response is a laundry list of all the reasons he was not the man for the job. The scramble was just too much.

“But Moses said to God, who am I , that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?” Exodus 3:11

God does something surprising. He doesn’t remind Moses of his top 5 strengths. He does not share his enneagram, Meyers Brigs score or list of accolades.

He’s says this…

‘I will be with you.’ Exodus 3:12

God with us. Lights our path, renews our strength, offers new perspective leading us to new heights of trust and love with HIM. In the scramble. It’s what was most important to Moses and what is most important for us. Because friends – those scrambles keep coming.

When I pulled myself to the top of the scramble I looked expectantly for my family. I believed that our desired destination, Sky Pond, was at the top. I started down a path that lead around a bend in the rock – surely the pond would be there.

It was not.

A bit further and I saw Tom coming towards me.

“You did it!” he yelled.

Yes, I replied – but Where is the pond?

The look on his face revealed it all. The pond was actually not at the top of the scramble. It would be another 3/4 of a mile before we saw the most anticipated sight and my children enjoying it all. The end of the scramble brought me to another leg of the journey…

not the end I had hoped for.

Goodness friends. Can you relate? When one hard leads not to earthly peace but another stretch of unknown road. With each step of that hike I needed to lay down expectations of what I had hoped would bring me peace. An easier path. A lighter back pack. Less nagging fears in my brain.

I never want to forgot those lessons. Each day I am working to lay down the expectations I have of the worldly things I seek for peace and look to the one truth I can count on. The words God said to Moses, he says to me.

He says to you.

“I will be with you.’

Scramble on my friends,

scramble on.

When vacations are Hard: Part 1

John 14:1 Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me. note: Trust: the antidote for a troubled heart

I am strong.

I know I am strong because since Jan of 2022 I have worked to get strong. Five days a week, without fail I have committed to a strength training program that works all areas of my body. I have not felt this strong and healthy since my high school days. I began my program the same month I began radiation treatments for breast cancer. It was one of the ways I chose to prove to myself that cancer would not stop me – physically or emotionally. Showing up each day to lift what started as soup cans and now are actual weights felt important. Later that year when care for my ailing mom required physical strength I was thankful for the preparation this program had provided.

(Side note to all my pre and menopausal friends. I have read research after research that suggests that strength training is critical in this season. It helps us endure the side effects of and prepares us for vibrant living in our later years. Strong over Skinny is the mantra I repeat every day. )

So my wobbly, no let me re phrase – my uncontrollable shaking legs that simply could not hold my body weight was a complete shock to my systems – both physically and mentally. I had been strength training for 18 months… what was going on? I panicked when I realized I didn’t have what it would take to keep moving forward. I would need to depend on my upper body strength. Despite the months of lifting, my legs that have always been the strongest part of my body, were now totally letting me down. My brain raced with reasons for the shaking weakness in my lower limbs.

Muscle fatigue? Nope – I hadn’t even worked out that day

Injury from past workouts? Nope – I woke up that morning feeling strong and energetic.

Not enough sleep? Again no. Plenty of rest, plenty of breakfast, plenty of hydration.

What.

Was

Going on?

The funny thing about the frightening situation I found myself in was that it was all my idea.

Lets rewind a bit.

Earlier this month our family embarked on one of our favorite events – the Lange Family Reunion. It is a week filled with lots of immediate and extended family time. We play games, we eat good food, we engage in meaningful conversation and we play.

And by play I mean serious, work your body, feel it in every muscle at the end of the day play. We usually pick our location for these reunions near a National Park which provide places to hike, white water raft, horse back ride and this year was no different. Our spot was a beautiful resort called Snow Mountain Ranch near Granby, CO on the outskirts of Rocky Mountain National Park. The ranch was full of so many fun activities like summer tubing down a mountain, archery, putt putt golf, playgrounds, a rec center with volleyball and basketball courts and roller skating. Out door tennis and pickle ball courts surrounded by a view of mountains. It was extra glorious because we were blessed with perfect weather. It was one of these many events that our immediate family was experiencing when my strength suddenly left my body and all my squats and lunges and dead lifts appeared to be for naught.

High Ropes Course

I’d never done a high ropes course before and was delighted when I saw it as an activity option at the ranch. My husband, adult children and son in law were all game. A quick stop in the program office to schedule our spot for the next day and we were set for what I just knew would be a fun family bonding experience. I began to imagine the beauty of being high in the trees and looking around at the gorgeous sites this view would provide. I imagined a trail of extension bridges – slatted, wood steps creating swinging bridges with a rope handle on each side. I imagined it would be a little scary but nothing that caused concern. Like I mentioned earlier, the night before I slept soundly – excited for what the next day would bring.

When we arrived at the High Ropes Course location we were greeted by friendly staff. They were young and fun college students enjoying what I would consider a pretty amazing summer job in the mountains. We were a bit early so we threw a frisbee around in the parking lot before we could begin our session. When we were told it was time to begin I was a bit surprised when we were given instructions to enter the Yurt so we could suit up in our helmet and climbing gear before we headed to Ropes School.

No where in my imagination was I wearing a helmet, or climbing gear. Nor did I need “Ropes School.” How hard could it be to walk across the hanging bridge trail I had pictured in my mind? I would not need to be strapped into harnesses and helmets and I certainly knew how to walk across a bridge.

Ah…but this is where I began to understand that what I would be encountering was very different from what I had imagined in my mind. I was needing to pay attention to my Ropes instructor because I had to learn how to lock and unlock myself from safety wires to prepare for the possible event of falling off the ropes course. Locking in to the wires would ensure I would never fall to the ground and could never get seriously hurt.

What the what?

Fall to the ground?

This was all beginning to feel, well…

Hard.

Now – I am not afraid of a good challenge. I actually thrive when I see something difficult and am asked to figure out a solution. As an entrepreneur I spend a good amount of time problem solving difficult situations in my day to day life.

This .

This was starting to feel a bit more then I wanted to experience on a family vacation – where rest was needed especially after a particularly challenging personal year. But, on I went..

There were 3 choices of trails on this ropes course ( just three weeks new – Tom’s cousin said – that’s not enough time to know if the bolts will hold:). The trails all started at the same base and all connected to make it “easy” to experience them all. I knew, without a doubt, that I would be starting on the easy course. My three children and son in law skipped right over and moved to the medium and hard courses and I expected my husband to do the same.

Yet,

As I moved to the start of the course marked easy, I heard my husband say, ” I’ll go with mom.”

God bless him.

It is here in the story – the very first step onto the very first leg of the easy trail of this High Ropes “Challenge” Course ( I am certain I missed the word challenge when I read the description in the activities brochure) that I experienced something for the first time in my life…

The effects of fear on the physical functions of my body in an overwhelming way – like lost control.

The first step was on to a moving piece of 2 X 4 about 3 feet long and 20 feet high. It was attached by ropes to a wire hanging about my head and it moved – which means it was not stable. Each step would require me to step into the middle of the board so it would not tip forward. The trail was made up of these disconnected boards that lead me to a platform around 30 feet away.

I took a deep breath stepped out on to the very unstable board and immediately – and I mean “right now” – experienced the shaking legs as well as increased heart rate and shortness of breath. I was so confused. As I’ve already established I am strong and I was rested and fueled. In what felt like hours but was most likely seconds my brain shouted the words…

“Beth, you are terrified”

And I was.

I actually find myself tearing up as I type these words – in the same way I wanted to when I was in the middle of what felt like the hardest physical challenge I had ever experience in my life. My breaths were short and labored as I made my way across the trail. Tom was shouting encouraging words and I felt the very real battle of my mind over my body. I knew I had to pull it together or I would indeed fall. When I reached the end of the first leg of the trail stepping on to the platform that connected me to the next leg (Good lord how many of these segments were there?) I literally hugged the pole that held the platform, willing myself not to cry but instead take deep calming breaths. My legs continued to shake as I contemplated what had just happened.

My husband, wise man that he is having been married to me for 31 years, paused before he offered his thoughts. Now, in those 31 years of marriage I have not always been open to what he had to say ( think golf tips) but in this moment I was all ears. What I know about fear is that is creates a tunnel vision for those that are experiencing it. It becomes incredibly difficult to problem solve and decisions can be sporadic and sometimes dangerous.

“Beth – your not trusting the course. You are using all upper body strength to pull your self over and you are all hunched down making you less stable, more prone to shaking. You are not using your legs in a way that can create stability.”

I had no idea I was hunched over.

I had no idea that I was not trusting the course. I needed him to expand my vision.

I needed a voice of truth from outside my head to speak what I needed to hear. In my shaky legs, short breath self – I was unable to get myself to where I needed to go.

Ever been there?

You’ve found yourself in a situation that you have walked into willingly or one that has caught you by surprise and life suddenly becomes a batch of quicksand with which you cannot get out. Or a high ropes challenge course that has no end?

As I chatted with my son in law after successfully completing the course with less shaky legs and much deeper breaths I was sharing with him the lessons I felt I had learned. He commented that he too recognized the need for faithful friends to point us to truth in times he was stuck in a messy, overwhelming sometimes terrifying middle. We were not designed to walk this life alone. Introvert or Extrovert – we need each other.

There were so many lessons I learned that day:

  1. Fear shows up in all manner of ways. In an appropriate dose it can keep us focused on the challenge at hand.
  2. Fear does not get to drive. When it becomes all consuming we may need an outside voice sharing truth about what is happening in our lives that we cant see ourselves.
  3. Keep friends in your life that are willing to speak truth in love. I 100% needed Toms perspective.
  4. Hard things are the training ground for future hard things. I will never forget the lessons I learned on that high ropes course.

There is a verse I often found troubling when it comes to the navigating fear and anxiousness. Paul tells us in Philippians 4 to not be anxious about anything. How do you do that when your body is physically shutting down due to fear presenting in weak muscles and shortness of breath? A wise friend pointed out years ago the important 4 words preceding the command ‘ to be anxious for nothing.’

THE

LORD

IS

NEAR.

The Lord is near.

Philippians 4:5-6 Let your gentleness be evident to all. THE LORD IS NEAR. Do not be anxious about anything but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

I love this reminder that we can indeed drop our fears and our anxieties not on our own power but because we can trust that the Lord is near, always. It starts with that truth. And it often starts with someone else reminding me of it. The faster I can recognize that I am stuck in an emotion and my vision is narrow, the faster I can open my heart to the truth from someone outside of me.

The friendly young man that taught our Ropes Course and then guided us through our experience shared that he was terrified of heights when he took the job. He wanted to work in the mountains and the high ropes course was the only opening. When his boss asked if he was afraid of heights he said, ‘Yea, I can do heights.’ He never said he was not afraid. He focused on what he determined he would learn to do. I asked how he worked through the fear when he told me that he currently loved the course and ran all over it all day. ( look at my pictures – can you imagine running it?) He said -” I just kept getting up. I started with the easy and just kept going.” I knew why he was such a good instructor and such patient encourager – he had been there. When he saw fear in someone he knew exactly what was going on in their bodies, their hearts and their minds.

What I didn’t know on the day I learned my high ropes lessons is that it was actually preparation for things to come. Maybe the scary situation you are in today is training ground for what God needs you to know for your future self or someone you love. It was certainly true for me.

And it would take exactly 24 hours to prove itself true.

I am so grateful that Tom chose to follow me on my easy high ropes path. Im so grateful he was near. Im so grateful I was close enough so I could hear his voice. But what do I do when he is not?

That story is for another day.

For Ed

“I remember my afflictions and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall I will remember them and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have HOPE, because of the Lord’s great love we are NOT consumed for HIS compassion never fails. They are NEW every morning – Great is your faithfulness. I say to myself “The Lord is my portion therefore I will wait for him, to the one who seeks him it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. ” Lamentation 3:21-25

” I did her funeral.”

To the untrained ear – these words could feel an odd answer to the question – “Did we live here when his wife passed?” Unless your husband is an ordained pastor. Then its 100% normal and 100% the answer I got yesterday when I asked my husband this question after leaving a visit…

with our friend Ed.

It’s been almost four months since I opened this blog. It’s been almost four months since I’ve even attempted to write any words of any length on any subject. And not coincidentally It’s been almost four months since I said my earthly goodbyes to my mom.

It appears that entering in to this space that has been a sanctuary for processing life and God’s word and how the two intersect did not feel as safe as it used too. The ideas that once stirred in my mind while walking the streets of my little town or blow drying my hair just seemed to stop. The traumatic months that ended in my moms passing last December seemed to sap the energy from my tending to lots of responsibilities … cleaning the bathroom, making a meal that didn’t come pre packaged and pausing long enough to welcome the gift that I feel I have received so many times .. the gift of story, the gift of insight, the gift of hope that came tumbling out of my heart and mind in the form of words.

One might describe this as a word drought.

Drought:

  1. a period of drier-than-normal conditions. It can last for days, months or years.
  2. A prolonged absence of a specified thing.

We are all too familiar with “drought” living in a once drought laden part of the country. Our home is in the middle of farm land that people we know and love depend on for their livelihood. As I sit at my kitchen table pounding away at my keyboard I can look out and see land farmed by 3 different farmers. The first patch – It’s Strobel land. The second – Oetting and then in the distance are 2 navy blue silos -representing the third family – and the friend we visited yesterday…Ed.

All of this land including the blue silos have been the most photographed piece of landscape in my phone since the summer of 2017 – the year we took ownership of our Sweet Sandia home. Since that time we have enjoyed not only the beauty of all the seasons of farmland but getting to know each of the families that care for this piece of God’s creation. There is not one day that goes by that I don’t thank God for the gift of this home and the way he reminds me of his goodness with each morning sunrise over farmland. And today… it is the blue silos and our friend Ed… that have pulled me out of my silence. The words… and today the tears… are coming.

My husband has known Ed for over 30 years. Tom knew him first as the father of Jenny – a high school classmate. Tom also knew Ed as one of the men that fought to keep his high school open many years ago when it was on the verge of closing. It’s such a cool story. I asked him to repeat it yesterday when we were visiting. It just never gets old. I met Ed for the first time 8 years ago when we moved here. He was kind and quiet. He would engage in conversation after Sunday morning bible class. On Thursday mornings I would often see Ed going to the weekly mens gathering held on our high school campus and also on my running route. In the most unexpected ways… he became one of my biggest cheerleaders.

It was on one of these early morning runs that Ed first told me how he felt about my blog. I saw Ed leaving his car and heading to the dining hall stairs on my loop around the high school quad when he motioned me to stop. Unbeknownst to me he had been reading my then weekly posts and had read my latest that may have even dropped that morning. After I pulled out my earbuds I paused and he looked me in the eye and said, “Don’t stop. Don’t stop writing. Your words are really important.” Over the years since that morning Ed has reminded me of how something I have written has impacted him. His genuine interest is often what moved me to open my computer and write.

In the fall of 2022 when I was diagnosed with breast Cancer, Ed took on the role of a different form of cheerleader. Ed offered support and kind words that came from a place of knowing. Not only was he a personal cancer survivor but the ugly disease took his wife years before. It was one of the many funerals my husband performed the first year we lived in our little town and he was filling in as a vacancy pastor. It is this very same disease that prompted our visit with Ed yesterday.

Ed’s cancer is back.

Hospice has been called and his daughter Jenny posted on facebook that despite being tired and weak, Ed welcomed visitors and was ready to receive them. There was no question that a visit to Ed was top priority on our list of Saturday activities. We had hoped that our visit would bring him joy and a distraction to the pain he is experiencing but in true Ed form- he was the one that did the encouraging.

As we entered Ed’s room in our local nursing home we were greeted with the welcome smile of his daughter followed by the bright eyes of Ed. He reached out his hand to offer a firm hand shake and invited us to have a seat. He cut straight to the truth of his situation. The Non- Hodgkin’s Lymphoma that has returned is aggressive and the treatment brutal. His first bought with cancer was 9 years ago and he said Doctors have been surprised at all the life he has been gifted to live. Now, with the all the confidence and peace in the world Ed says,

“I’m ready.”

Ready to go home.

To heaven.

To Jesus.

We spoke for several minutes about the details of this diagnosis and then entered into an hour of lovely conversation about past memories from Ed’s life and our small town. Ed asked for updates on the high school ( the one he fought to keep open, the one from which Tom and 2 of our children graduated and the one where Tom currently teaches. SPLHS is pretty significant to all of us!). We talked weather. We talked about his blue silos I see every time I look over my backyard. Ed asked about my work – he has always asked about my work with a genuine interest in understanding what I do.

It was light.

It was easy.

It was unburdened.

It was the kind of conversation you can have with someone at peace. Someone confident in who they are and where they are going.

Deadlines are funny things. They have the power to move us into action or in this case move me out of a drought. When Ed stopped me in the middle of my run years ago and he said those words… ” Don’t stop writing” I made him a promise. I promised him I wouldn’t stop. I promised him I would keep listening to the words God gave me and put them down on paper.

So Ed – this one is for you. The one that spoke the words I would need to remember when I thought the words had stopped. The one that showed me peace in the midst of your final days. The one that is displaying confidence in the hope we can have in Jesus. The passing of my mom just about did me in, or at least this blog. Ed, it is the anticipation of your passing that has pulled me out. Your friendship has been such a gift. Your authentic interest in my life, my families and my words are more precious than you can know.

For everyone else…I hope that if you are reading this you too have an Ed in your life. Someone that takes time to ask questions and share encouragement.

Hmm… or maybe …..

you are the Ed……

that someone is waiting for.

Mom’s last gifts

This is the eulogy I shared at my moms life celebration. May you find the peace and joy in Christ that she did. Kathryn Louis Hirsch 1/23/1945 – 12/30/2023

Today is Epiphany – the day in our church year that remembers the manifestation of Christ to the Gentiles as represented by the Magi. Matthew 2:2-12. I had completely forgotten about the significance of this day when we picked it to celebrate moms life. Here is a refresher on what we commemorate on this day from Matthew 2:9-11.

After the Magi had heard the king, they went on their way, and the star they had seen in the east went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where theChrist child was.  When they saw the star they were overjoyed. On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. They they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold and of incense and of myrrh. v. 9-11

Im grateful today as we celebrate the life of my mom that I can share some of the gifts that she gave to us. Kathy taught us so much throughout our lives and in her last days still had some lessons she wanted to share which I hold as sweet gifts. I believe these lessons or gifts we received from mom are what she would want all of you to have as well. Like the Magi on the first Epiphany these gifts mom shared honor Christ and point us back to him, which is always where she wanted our focus to be.

The gifts from mom to you.

  1. Presence is important: One of the first things I realized when Mom moved into the memory care unit was that when I would visit I could have zero expectations except to be present.  Although mom was losing her ability to communicate with words she still had plenty to say… if I was paying attention. Presence was important.  There is very little time in my life when I allow myself to sit for hours with someone without distraction.  Time with mom and nothing else grew my awareness of the glory of a beautiful fall day when we sat on her porch, the delicious taste of chocolate chip cookie.  When we would walk around her facility it was with a pace that opened up space to really see the world around us. Mom would greet the residents.  She would notice when someone needed help.  My heart rate didn’t elevate and my step count stayed low but this exercise in presence was and is something I know I needed. Im guessing you do too.
  2. Lighten UP:  As we got to know mom’s fellow residents in Memory care we realized she was in the midst of amazing humans whose list of life accomplishments were many and impressive.  On was a top Surgeon at the University of Michigan hospital, one was a professor at Mizzou, etc etc. Mom served many years as a the Director and lead teacher or a pre school and child care center. Sitting in the space of these brilliant souls that were now living a very simple life reminded me to never take myself too seriously or put too much stock in the accolades I collect. 
  3. Find the Joy:  each time I visited mom I was determined to get a smiling selfie with her.  I am so grateful that goal was accomplished up until one week before she passed.  When I scroll through my phone full of her beautiful smile I also am struck by the pictures of her struggle.  I captured so many emotions and in  between some pretty hard moments – mom flashes her beautiful smile.  Mom laughed and teased and danced with us almost to the end.  We are very sure she was experiencing pain we could not understand and yet even then was saw her find the Joy. 
  4. Stay connected to Jesus. He will continue to speak through us even when we can’t.   Our family celebrated Thanksgiving with mom and dad.  After our meal we each shared what we were thankful for from the past year.  Dad was excited to share that mom had some words for us as well.  Mom was resting while we were sharing so these would be words from her past that would be so important for our present.  Dad had been reading through a devotion book that mom had used called Jesus Calling. The words are to be read as if Jesus is speaking them to you. The devotion dad shared with us was from some past Nov 23 for our present Nov. 23.

Nov 23 Thanksgiving – Jesus Calling devotion

Mom had underlined these words: 

As you sit in my presence, let ME fill your heart and mind with thankfulness. This is the most direct way to achieve a thankful stance.  If your mind needs a focal point, gaze at My LOVE poured out for you on the cross. Remember that nothing in heaven or on earth can separate you from that Love.  This remembrance builds a foundation of gratitude in you, a foundation that circumstances cannot shake.

As you go through this day, look for tiny treasures strategically placed along the way. I lovingly go before you and plant little pleasures to brighten your day.  Look carefully for them, and pluck them one by one.  When you reach the end of the day, you will have gathered a lovely bouquet. Offer it up to Me with a grateful heart.  Receive My Peace as you lie down and sleep, with thankful thoughts playing a lullaby in your mind. 

In moms hand writing at the bottom of the page:

Let your light shine upon us oh Lord.  You have filled. My heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound.  I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone oh Lord make me dwell in safety.  Psalm 4:7-8

We had been praying for peace and safety for mom as her struggles increased.  How good to know she had prayed these words herself many years ago.

The night before mom passed, my sister was cleaning up her room.  She discovered a small business card in her jewelry box that I had never seen before.  I had opened up that jewelry box numerous times and have no recollection of this little card.  It was from a funeral home in Readlyn IA.  It had a small pin with a Butterly attached through the card. On the card mom had written 

“The butterfly is a symbol of the Resurrection.  Like Christ, the butterfly emerges from its rest in glory and beauty. “

My sister told us she spent much of the evening reading the words to her over and over and over.

As my sister and my dad and I sat with mom her final hours these words reminded us that mom was in her cocoon state.  She was in the process of moving into her eternal life with Jesus emerging healed and whole and beautiful as a butterfly does when they emerge from their cocoon. 

It occurred to me as we read these words to mom that she was actually reading them to us.  She knew where she was going. She knew her healing was soon.  She needed US to be confident in her Resurrection that would come from faith in Christ.  I believe that God saved the revelation of this little card for that vey moment so Mom could teach us this one last lesson.  Mom was never comfortable with the spotlight always wanting her life to point to Jesus and his love.  

As we celebrate her life today I I encourage all of you to receive these gifts she gave to us :

  1. Be present in your moments
  2. Lighten up
  3. Find the Joy
  4. Stay connected to Jesus in his word. It is what will  always last. It is what will always sustain. It is what will always speak.

To God be all the glory.

Our last smiling selfie:)

Wave upon wave upon wave: The Gift of Grief

Wave up on wave upon wave upon wave. Bobbing, twisting, falling, uprighting . Laughing, squealing, jumping, riding, floating.

Wave upon wave upon wave upon wave….. upon

WAVE.

Growing up in the Great Lake state… pure Michigan… meant I have a boat load of water memories. At the end of the street of my childhood home was a small lake. Lakes are everywhere in Michigan – a fact I took for granted until I moved away as an adult. Our lake provided us with a small beach and swimming spot in the summer and a frozen oasis for ice skating in the winter. No entrance fees, no membership cards just direct access to hours and hours of water fun.

Many of our family vacations took us to the bigger lakes of Michigan. If you are reading this and hail from Michigan you have already rattled off the 5 Lakes that surround the mitten state. A quick geography lesson… the five lakes start with the letters that make up the acronym HOMES: Huron, Ontario, Michigan, Erie, Superior. ( extra credit: The state flower is the apple blossom, the state bird is the robin and the state animal is the wolverine – of which none actually can be found in Michigan:). These lakes on good days could become a playground for excitement and thrills when the wind was strong enough to create waves that would lift and carry you from one spot to another. The water is also fresh so no grimy salt residue on your skin like you get when experiencing the waves of ocean water.

Wave riding demands attention. You have to know when to jump. Its all about the timing. A good wave rider patiently watches towards the horizon as a wave moves forward. They know a good one that will crest- hit its peak at just the right moment. As the wave gets closer the wave rider will crouch a bit lower with a slight bend in the knees. As the wave rider bends they wait for the feel of the wave on their back and then push down with their feet to jump as the wave crashes into them. You then move your arms above your head like your diving into the water and lift your feet off the bottom of the lake floor. If the crouching, turning, jumping are timed just right you will find yourself on top of the wave … gliding quickly forward towards the shore with a feeling that can best described as glee. It is invigorating, exciting and calls you back for more.

My memories of waves continued to grow over my lifetime to include experiencing waves in many of Michigans great lakes and then expanded with opportunities to enjoy both Pacific and Atlantic ocean waves on the shores of California, South Carolina and Texas. The smaller Michigan Lake waves prepared me for the larger ocean waves that demanded more attention, more agility and more strength. The ocean waves demand respect. A wave rider cannot look or think lightly about a big ocean wave. They are powerful, they can create fun but they are also

dangerous.

Oh how I love the waves.

Until last week.

The first time the wave beats you is terrifying. When a wave rider is swept under by the force of a big wave… the glee filled experience of surfing above the wave towards shore is gone. The water is pushed over ones head and you lose all sense of which way is up. Your body starts to struggle as the sounds of the people on the beach disappear and the water blocks all from your senses. Some of the emotions can be fear, overwhelm and possibly even despair.

I was recently reminded that the events of life can often feel like waves – pushing, pulling, tugging us down.

I made a list of life waves that have attempted to push me under. Each causing its own form of discouragement, frustration, fear. We all have them…and for most of us, most of the time… we feel the push, we steady ourselves and somehow manage to keep our head above water. That was me – navigating some fairly large waves, each attempting sweep me off my feet yet none being successful.

breast cancer

Alzheimers

Move mom and dad to independent living.

Moving mom to memory care. ER runs, doctor visits… yadda yadda yadda.

And then

Eddie.

Eddie – the wave that took me under.

A little 13 pound dog. The cutest dog on the planet. My loyal companion through everything. The presence in my life when no one else was around. The one that sat at my feet with every move I made. He slept at my side, he woke when I woke, he slept when I slept,

bible study,

Basement during workouts

shower,

office,

kitchen,

vacations,

work trips

and our daily walk around our high school campus. -where students and staff all greeted him. Everybody loved Eddie.

The cancer that took over his body was discovered only because of some blood spots left on the floor when he sat. His behavior was mostly normal – old dog cataracts and a bit lower in energy. What I thought would be quick visit to the vet to receive antibiotics and pain meds for a swollen gland turned into a fruit basket upset of my day… or the crashing of a wave that sent Tom and I into a decision we had not planned on making that day. As we stood in our kitchen we looked at our sweet puppy and knew that the most humane thing to do would be to let him leave this earth in peace.

Wave upon wave up wave upon wave.

WAVE.

It was just 4 days later that my mom in a battle her doctor tells me she will not win…. the battle for her mind by a disease called Alzheimers … for the first time… did not recognize me. Her usual smile that lights up her face when I enter her room was gone as she greeted my with a polite hello. It was the sound of a hello saved for strangers- not me. That day on my drive home from my parents senior living facility – my dad in independent living, my mom in memory care… was the first time I have shed tears over my mom. I had wondered when this would happen. My family has been walking this road of memory loss for years. I’ve held grief at bay, arms length, an ocean width away. It took this wave, the loss of my dog to push me deep down into the silence found only in the deep water where I have met with the most important lesson in my 52 years of life.

Jesus is in the deep.

I think for the longest time when I thought about the comfort of Jesus I picture it as he getting me OUT of something – not sitting IN the something with me.

Jesus is in the water- under the water,

way.

down.

deep-with me, with you – under the crashing waves.

He is the oxygen, forcing my gaze on him alone – not letting me rush to the surface to feel the warmth of the sun and the happy distractions of the sounds on the beach. He has a love that can only be felt when the wave has crashed over me and there appears to be no where out. He has a love that needs to be experienced, embraced, desired, longed for … a love that surpasses knowledge and he needs us to own it. To breath it. Jesus meets us under the waves demanding our gaze, our attention our everything , needing HIS everything.

He has plans for us.

But we need to be filled with him alone – His peace, his strength, his love – that surpasses anything we will ever know..

and sometimes…

many times…

We need a wave, or 2 or 3 or one really big one to take us under so we can meet Him – with lungs ready to inhale all he has and all he is.

The apostle Paul has a prayer for his listeners in Ephesians 3. It is a short yet powerful prayer that must be answered, trusted, believed before the listener goes on to read the final 3 chapters of the letter to this people group.

“For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit. In your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And, I pray that you being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” Did you catch that…..

This love that surpasses knowledge.

The chapters that follow this prayer are filled with the Apostle Pauls call to holy living in all areas of life. He challenges his listeners to raise their bars and not settle for mere infant behavior. His call can be mistaken as a list of have to’s that need to be met to earn Christs love when it is actually just the opposite.

The list, the challenges are meant to be met as a RESPONSE to the love we have received as a gift that is often given in the deep,

the gift of unconditional, powerful, love

felt, embraced, believed, BREATHED.

In the 10 days that have passed since out little dogs life came to a close… I’ve been hanging out in the deep, under water. The first few days felt oppressive and I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to navigate a world with so many reminders of Eddies presence.

I cried.

a lot.

And yet….. each time my heart started to ache, in the deep waters I remembered I was not alone. I actually felt it. It was Jesus. Reminding me of his presence, showing me his love through his word, a friends sweet text, hugs from neighbor children that loved our dog maybe just as much as me, phone calls from our kids, and a gazillion other ways I was aware of his love that surpassed anything I had ever known.

What are your waves? Are you in deep? Do you have a wave that took you out that you’re not sharing because you are embarrassed at what felt like a big wave to you yet others may think is small??

A friend who is mourning the 2nd anniversary of the loss of her young husband reminded me that a broken heart is a broken heart – it does not matter how it got that way.

Friends – God wants to FILL you. Eph 3:20 says “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more then we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations for ever and ever! Amen. “

Then… we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the WAVES, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. Ephesians 4:14

The enemy of our soul desires that our life waves that deplete us, devour us, leave us without hope would send us clamoring to the surface, back to the beach scrambling for all the quick fixes to pain and suffering this world offers. IF this is you I invite you to rest in the deep. I invite you to pay attention to the one that is offering you the gift of HIS life giving breath. He is there, is waiting… let the filling begin.

Hello, her name is Kathy

“The caregivers will love to get to know your mom. It will be helpful for them if you can write down some of your favorite memories of her, things she liked to do, hobbies, achievements. They will be so interested in her children and grandchildren, the foods she likes and does not like. It will delight them to discover the things that bring her joy. “

Per the request of the administrator at Lenoir Woods, the beautiful senior living facility that has become home to my parents, I write this letter. In just a few days mom will move from her apartment with dad to a beautiful new room in the memory care section of their facility. We thank God that it is just one floor down and a short hallway walk from where they currently live and where dad will stay. The need for this letter comes because Mom is in the later stages of Alzheimers. She is no longer able to take care of herself and struggles to communicate all the wonderful thoughts she has in her head. This particular aspect of her Alzheimer’s is called aphasia. The difficulties of people with aphasia can range from occasional trouble finding words, to losing the ability to speak, read, or write; INTELLIGENCE, however is unaffected. “American Speech-Language-Hearing Association (ASHA): APhasia.asha.org” I would guess though if mom were able to communicate she may not share the things below. She has never been one to toot her own horn. As her first born… allowing me to do some tooting:)

I choose to share these thoughts with you because isn’t it in the sharing of the memories of people we love that the joy we hold for them exponentially grows? In this week before we move mom to her new home I hold many emotions – the greatest being gratitude. So wether you are one of the caregivers that now has the pleasure of spending many moments with my mom, a friend that regularly tunes in to the words I write or someone that has just happened upon this blog… Welcome…

and may I introduce you.

Hello… her name is Kathy.

Kathryn Louise Meyerhoff was born on January 23, 1945. or 1-23-45. I have loved sharing that with people my entire life – isn’t her birthdate the coolest? Born and raised in a small town in Iowa – the youngest of six she enjoyed reading, basketball and sewing. I met my mom later in her life so what I will share with you are my favorite parts of what I know and love about my mom, Kathy.

Hello… her name is Kathy…and she loves to sew. My mom is an amazing seamstress. She made most of the dresses my sister and I wore for Christmas and school dances. Memories of sitting with her at Joann Fabrics pouring through catalogs of patterns, then finding the pattern, picking out the fabric and all the fun extras like fancy buttons and ribbons are still clear in my mind. I marvel at the patience she exhibited when I begged her to begin cutting out the material as soon as we walked in the door. Often she would agree, stretching the cloth across the kitchen counter and painstakingly pinned the pattern to it. It was not until I was a mom and attempted to sew clothes for my own daughter that I realized the attention to detail that sewing required. Her work was always so perfect. My oldest daughter still has a shirt my mom made me in high school – the quality in the stitches standing the test of much time. Kathy… she takes her time and desires excellence in everything she does.

Hello… her name is Kathy… and she graduated from college with honors when her daughters were in high school. I honestly do not know how she managed this. We never felt like she was carrying a heavy load. All while mom was taking night classes and writing papers she prepared our meals, kept the house clean and attended our sporting events. At the end of my Junior year of high school we were attending her college graduation ceremony like it was no big deal. Having raised three of my own… I now understand what a gigantic feat this was.

Hello… her name is Kathy… and she is an amazing cook. People still rave about her chocolate chip cookie recipe, hamburger stroganoff and homemade pancakes. She taught us the beauty of creating tradition with meals… causing much anticipation for her food as we headed into each holiday.

Hello … her name is Kathy… she loves to laugh. And she has such a beautiful smile that starts with her sparkling eyes and moves down to her wide grin. She likes to tease and has the wonderful ability to not take herself too seriously.

Hello… her name is Kathy…she sings, plays the organ and piano. Alto please. I loved listening to her sing the harmony line of hymns during church. As a little girl she would let me twist her wedding bands around her fingers while she sang those familiar tunes. I picked a simple gold band for my own wedding ring because I wanted to be like my mom.

Hello… her name is Kathy… she enjoys popcorn and butter pecan ice cream. She does not like cheese on her burger but she does like radish and butter sandwiches.

Hello…her name is Kathy…she proved to all of us that its never to late to try something new. When my sister and I were grown and had families of our own, mom started art lessons. Drawing, painting… and she is amazing. She gifted my sister and I with pencil drawings of each of our children.

Hello her name is Kathy… She has two daughters, Beth and Teresa. She has two son in laws, Tom and Matthew. She has 5 grandchildren – Allie, Jonah, Brooke, Noam and Mila. I see my mom in each of these offspring. Allie has her ability to listen without judgement. Jonah has her generous spirit. Brooke has her determination for truth. Noam has her quiet strength. Mila has her creative spirit. What a joy to see Kathy in the people that hold parts of her DNA.

Hello..her name is Kathy. She has been married to John for almost 55 years. They met on a blind date and my dads mom swears he said he knew she was his future wife after their first date:). They have been ministry partners for their entire marriage. Mom filled the role of pastors wife beautifully as she loved the members of the congregation dad pastored with all her heart. She would stand next to dad at the end of services and greet the congregants as they left. To this day I’ve never seen another pastors wife do this… including me.

Hello… her name is Kathy…and she loves Jesus. She has loved him her whole life. She has never questioned his existence or his love for her. She just loves him. She spent a good chunk of her life teaching these truths to her pre school students she taught at Shepherd of the Lakes Lutheran Church in Brighton, MI. Her simple faith was displayed so beautifully in the ways she loved her young students. She knows with confidence that the decay of her earthly body is temporary and that her complete physical and spiritual healing are part of he future because of her faith in Jesus resurrection power. This truth gives hope – not only for Kathy but for our very selves as well.

Hello her name is Kathy… and if she could speak to you now she would enjoy asking you questions. She would encourage you. She would laugh with you. She would jump up to serve if you indicated you might need some help. She would not expect thanks and would act in joy.

Hello her name is Kathy… and I love her so very much.

I just know you’ll love her too.

An R rated Easter Story

“In the days when the Judges ruled……” Ruth 1:1

My husband tells me nothing gets his High School Bible History students opening up their bible faster then when he begins to describe the lewd acts described in the Old Testament book of Judges. Rape, incest, child sacrifice. It’s a bloody and brutal book. This time in history that also holds one of the best Easter stories never told on Easter Sunday.

I can’t imagine a pastor in the world that will recall the story of the Levite and his concubine recorded in the book of Judges on Easter Sunday. We want the victory story, we want the sermon short so we can get to our family gatherings, and easter egg hunts. This is not time for ugly. I can’t imagine a pastor in the world that would tell the one, the one where a Levite is traveling with his concubine and needs a place to stay for the night. The one where a hospitable older man invites them in and he provides dinner and drinks. The one where they are having a lovely time and a sudden loud pounding is heard at the front door.

“While they were enjoying themselves (eating dinner and visiting..) some of the wicked men of the city surrounded the house. Pounding on the door, they shouted to the old many who owned the house, ‘Bring out the man who came to your house so we can have sex with him.’ Judges 19:22

Disgusting.

But it gets worse.

“The owner of the house went outside and said to them, ‘No, my friends, don’t be so vile. Since this man is my guest, don’t do this disgraceful thing. Look here is my virgin daughter, and his concubine. I will bring them out to you now, and you can use them and do to them whatever you wish. But to this man, don’t do such a disgraceful thing.” But the men would not listen to him. So the man took his concubine and sent her outside to them, and they raped her and abused her throughout the night, and at dawn they let her go. At daybreak the woman went back to the house where her master was staying, fell down at the door and lay there until daylight. Judges 19: 23-26

Everything about this makes me want to cry. The request of the evil men. The apparent ease at which the virgin daughter and concubine are offered as a replacement to satisfy the sexual hunger of these men. The detail that we see in the events of the night – so brutal it left the woman dead on the doorpost. It is frightening to think that women and children today are still caught in industries that sell their bodies for sex.

It’s in the middle of all this mess, the middle of all this pain, destruction, idol worship that we find my new, favorite Easter Story. OK – some might say its not an Easter story – which typically deals with the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ and all the events surrounding it. But without this story….. there would be no other. I’m pretty sure you will not hear about this in your Easter Service. And it starts right here….

In the days when the Judges ruled….

At the beginning of 2023 I was looking for a bible study resource. A friend suggested a reading plan that would guide me through the entire bible in one year – something I have never done. It is simple. Read 3-4 chapters a day and listen to a 5 – 8 minute podcast summing up the chapters. I am a podcast junkie so I was in. It was this new practice that revealed those most amazing words.

In those days when the Judges ruled…

I couldn’t wait to get through the book of Judges. As evidenced by account of the Levite and his concubine that I have shared, its a brutal, bloody, heart wrenching book. Tara- Leigh Cobble author of The Bible Recap ( the plan I am following) says it is a clear picture of life lived apart from God. When we stop seeking his wisdom, stop receiving his grace, stop looking for his direction… the lifestyle of the people of Judges is where we would all land. It is depressing and sad. How glad I was to turn the pages to a sweet little book that I knew well… Ruth.

I’ve read the story of Ruth dozens of times. I’ve studied it. I’ve taught it. I’ve heard sermons on it. I’ve acted out parts of the narrative with my children during our evening family devotions when they were young. Never in all my years though did my heart leap like it did when I read those opening lines.

In those days when the Judges ruled…

This story of an unassuming, bitter widow knocked down by life and her loyal daughter in law – equally deserving of sympathy with her shared title of widow is tucked in the middle of one of the ugliest times in Israels History. “In those days Israel had no king and everyone did as they saw fit.” Judges 21:25. These two women -Namoi an Israelite and her daughter in law Ruth a Moabite, were lost and without hope. Their husbands were dead and the land of Moab where they were living did not have a plan in place to provide for widows like Naomi’s home land of Judah. It was decided that they would return home to Bethlehem. Despite Naomi’s encouragement for Ruth to stay behind with her parents – Ruth insisted on going. Ruth was a foreigner and Naomi was concerned with how she would be received.

“But Ruth replied, ” Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me. ” Ruth 1: 16

The rest of this story reveals a beautiful account of restoration and redemption. In God’s goodness he leads Ruth to a field to gather the scraps left behind after harvest to provide for she and Naomi. Ruth works hard with one desire – to provide for she and her mother in law. She is noticed by the owner of the land who then instructs his workers to drop extra for her when they are harvesting and to not touch her. Through the most fascinating turn of events – the land owner named Boaz and Ruth marry. He is kind, he is loyal to God’s law, he is respected among men. He is everything I didn’t know existed in the time of the Judges. You will really want to read all the details of this story yourself. Oh it’s so good!

If this story ended with the marriage of Boaz and Ruth and the birth of their son it would have been good. This little sentence would have been the pretty bow to tie up this sweet package. “So Boaz took Ruth and she became his wife. Then he went to her and the Lord enabled her to conceive, and she gave birth to a son.” Ruth 4: 13. It would have offered hope that not all the world had gone crazy in the time of the Judges.

But it doesn’t. The last verses, the zingers, the ones that I wish would be spoken on Easter Sunday because my goodness… I need to know that in our world that feels so hopeless some days, we still have reason to hold on.

The book that opens in the middle of a mess, ends with the reminder that God worked, can work, is working, will work… in the middle of ours.

“And they named the son Obed. He was the father of Jesse, the Father of David.” Ruth 4: 17

The David. King David. The ancestor of Jesus. Jesus Christ. The one who lived, died and rose again. The one we celebrate on Easter. The one who removes our guilt and shame and points us to a better future.

Ruth, the Moabite widow and Boaz the land owner that chose to live a God fearing life in a culture that did anything but that, gave birth to the son that lead to the birth of the next son and next son and next son that eventually led to the baby born in the manger… Son of God and Son of Man.

It’s hard to imagine that there can be good in the middle of evil. When our minds can only see bad news it feels impossible to believe that God is working behind the scenes in the messy middle. It’s hard to believe that God can take our messes, our mistakes, our poor choices and redeem them all.

But He Can.

But He will.

But HE is.

He IS.

Because He is Risen… Risen indeed.

Pre-Op

Shower using fragrance free soap.

No deodorant or perfume.

No food or drink after Midnight….

No drink = no coffee. ugh.

We would leave the house at 5:00 a.m. to arrive for pre-op and then surgery at 6:30 am. I just wanted to get to the hospital so I could go back to sleep. The no coffee thing is a big deal. Tom tells me I’m addicted… and he’s not wrong. I prep my coffee the night before and it is literally the first thing I do in the morning. Push my coffee start button, let the dog out, take my vitamins, pour a cup and then settle in to my chair for the most important hour of my day. More on that later.

From the moment I received my cancer diagnosis on Oct. 31, 2022 I’ve been in GO mode both personally and professionally. I have looked forward to this day, writing day, for months. I have thousands of words and lessons and thoughts I have wanted to process via this blog but just couldn’t, wouldn’t take the time to do so. When I look back on my last blog, Dec. 20, 2022 I remember that I waited to write and now I’ve waited again. A college friend remarked, “I was surprised by your sudden announcement of your diagnosis… and wondered why.” In a world where we have access into thousands of peoples stories it is interesting that we have an expectation of knowing and needing people to know about all the nitty gritty of our lives.

I have learned a gazillion things about the words “Cancer diagnosis”, one being that each persons journey is each persons journey. Although we have a long way to go in understanding how to eradicate cancer there is a great deal we do know which allows for very specific treatment plans for each person. This means that when one receives a diagnosis it is not helpful to google it and think all the things you read from treatment protocol to side effects will be relevant to you or your loved one.

The uniqueness of each persons situation is not limited to the treatment plan but also to how they will share their journey with others. When we returned home from my lumpectomy… Tom said, “Well, we’ve had harder days.” And he was right. Surgery of any kind is nothing to shake a stick at but over the course of our almost 30 years of marriage we have had ring side seats to some pretty significant health challenges with our children, our parents and some extended family. All of those seasons impacted my decisions on how and who to bring into my cancer journey. The words in these series of blogs are not prescriptive but offered as food for thought. You may be walking into or in the middle of a really hard life season and part of the stress you are experiencing may be from feeling a need to keep all people “in the loop.” Let me be the first to tell you… that is not true.

Shut the door

“You don’t have to let them in.” It was a nurses aid that taught me one of the most important lessons on how to navigate difficult life seasons. We were in the middle of determining the cause of illness impacting the mobility, speech, response, over all function of our seven year old son. He was a medical mystery which meant he was a curiosity to all the doctors, medical students, nurses and friends and family. This sweet young aid looked me in my exhausted eyes and said, “Beth, you don’t have to let them in. The only people that need to be here are your doctors. Put a sign on the door indicating this and you will stop being bombarded.” Wow – I had no idea – boundaries??? We began to realize that we not only could limit entrance to the medical staff but also to well meaning, yet energy draining, friends and family. We were realizing that when some people would see first hand the enormity of the situation we were put in the position of offering comfort and assurance to them. Any energy I had was being poured into care for my son and making sure my daughters were taken care of and my relationship with Tom. Period. On more then one occasion I politely thanked our friends for coming to visit but shared that our son needed rest and we wouldn’t be able to visit. The only people we allowed in brought joy, belief and bold prayers. When they left we would all feel restored and rejuvenated.

As much as people thought they would be able to handle the situation, we knew they couldn’t. I am reminded of a time I pressed Tom for information on a situation with members of our church that he pastored years ago. I knew part of the story but not all. Tom has always been so good about not sharing confidential information and was determined to stay his per usual course. I thought it made sense for me to know “the rest of the story” because I already new part of it. Tom understood this and was still hesitant to share not because it would be wrong but because he knew I would not want the knowledge of someone else’s bad choices in my mind. I promised it would not impact me.

But it did. Dang it. It was more than I wanted and my heart and head took on a heaviness that was not necessary. There was absolutely nothing I could do about this situation. Hard lesson learned. I now believe that we are not physically or emotionally designed to carry all the worlds challenges that technology now provides access to sharing. Sharing too much, too soon can be exhausting to both the giver and the receiver. Discernment is critical.

The most important hour.

As I sat down to write my mind swirled with memories, lessons, gratitude, questions that I wanted to put into words. I prayed about where to start and what to share. I sat snuggled in our big over stuffed chair, with my 2nd cup of coffee warming my hands and it became clear. Start with the pre-op. Actually the pre, pre op. The Pre that preceded the diagnosis, the surgery the radiation treatments. The pre ops that have been happening in this very chair, with this favorite coffee mug for months prior to this crazy season. The pre-ops that have occurred in the most important hour of my day.

The writer of the book of Hebrews reminds us that the “Word of God is living and active.” Heb 4:12. This means it has the power to impact our very lives each and every day. It is filled with truth, promises, commands, hope. The Word paired with the direction of the Holy Spirit is what God left for us to guide us through each season. If each day brings its own set of challenges then I know I need a fresh look at HIS direction… on a daily basis. My most important hour of the day habit is the one I pray I have passed on to my children and I pray they pass on to theirs. As I look back through my journal that accompanies my time in the word each morning… I clearly see how the Lord we prepping me for the current season I have walked through. I recognize the words he was highlighting in my daily hour with him were faith seeds being planted and taking root… to give a strong structure on the day my life would shift in a matter of seconds and one quick phone call. It was also the pre-op words that provided peace and wisdom when discerning who and when to share my journey.

I knew clearly the order in which we would reveal my diagnosis..

Our Children.

Our siblings.

My “Life Board of Directors.” 3 friends that know everything about me and love me anyway.

10 prayer warriors.

I was also clear on who would not be brought in immediately.

My entire social media community.

My parents. huh? For most of my life my mom and dad would have been the first to receive my news. They have been my rock and foundation through many decisions and challenging seasons.

Interesting isn’t it. The Lord may guide you in ways that may not make sense to the rest of the world. A world that prescribes loudly how you should and should not walk out your personal journey. This is why I know my pre op time is so important. I need to clearly and loudly understand God’s direction in each and every situation.

Below is a glimpse into the lessons I was given in my pre-op season aka the month prior to my first mammogram. I share scripture verses, quotes, items from my to do list. These all live in a journal that sits next to my over stuffed chair that greets me each morning for my most important hour of the day. Maybe you’ll skim my entries, maybe you’ll read each detail or maybe you’ll skip all together. However you decide to proceed I pray that you consider finding some time for pre-op with your Lord each day, the physician of your soul. I also offer my time to anyone desiring direction on where and how to start this practice.

September 15, 2022:

“I have something hard but important to say to you..” Matthew 26:21

“Go out and train everyone you meet far and near, in this way of life, marking them by baptism in the threefold name, Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Then instruct them in the practice of all I have commanded you. I’ll be with you as you do this, day after day after day. Right up to the end of the age. ” Matthew 28:19-20.

Monday Sept. 19, 2022:

Lord, give me a heart that expects your clear direction and intervention. Journal entry. Colorado Springs, CO.

Wednesday Sept. 21, 2022:

“Jesus was matter of fact: ” Embrace this God life. Really embrace it and nothing will be too much for you. Take this mountain for instance, Just say “Go jump in the lake, no shuffling or hemming and hawing – and it’s good and done. Thats why I urge you to pray for absolutely everything, ranging from small to large. Include everything as you embrace this God-life and you’ll get God’s everything.”

“Jesus told them “You’re all going to feel that your world is falling apart and that it’s my fault.” Mark 14:27-28

Sunday Sept. 25, 2022

“Because you love me Lord – I can always live, work in peace. I can trust you will reveal everything I need to know about next steps. I can be present with the people you put in my path. I can unconditionally love those around me.” Journal Entry

Sunday Oct. 2, 2022.

“A persons fear sets a trap for Him but one who trust the Lord is safe.” Proverbs 29:25

Wednesday Oct. 5, 2022.

“The Lord says, “My thoughts are not like yours. Your ways are not like mine. Just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:9

Thursday Oct. 6, 2022.

Create template for a Breast Cancer Awareness fundraiser for my team. (Item on my work to-do list)

Friday Oct, 7, 2022.

I don’t have the ability to carry out God’s will except to be where he wants me to be. ( Journal entry)

Saturday Oct. 8, 2022.

“I will praise the Lord who counsels me even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tounge rejoices, my body will rest secure.” Psalm 16

Wednesday Oct. 12, 2022

Wise counsel leads to peace – even when circumstances remain hard. ( Journal Entry)

“You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning. My God turns my darkness into light. With your help I can advance against a troop. With my God – I can scale a wall. ” Psalm 18:28-29

Life doesn’t get easier – we get better, stronger, more trusting in our God who is faithful. ( Journal entry)

Friday Oct. 14, 2022.

Yearly Mammogram. Centerpoint Medical Building, Independence MO

Monday Oct. 17, 2022

“Friendship with God is reserved for those who reverence Him. With them alone He shares the secrets of His promises. My eyes are ever looking to the Lord for help, for he alone can rescue me.” Psalm 25:14-15

Wednesday Oct. 19, 2022.

“The steps of a good and righteous man are directed and established by the Lord, and he delights in his way (and blesses his path.) And when he falls, he will not be hurled down, because the Lord is the one who holds his hand and sustains him.

Thursday Oct. 20, 2022.

Notification that a shadow was detected in the image from my mammogram. My doctor would like a closer look. Schedule a second mammogram and ultrasound for Monday Oct. 24.

Friday Oct. 21, 2022.

Celebrate my 52 birthday with friends on our deck. It was a beautiful night and a sweet celebration.

Sunday Oct. 23, 2022.

“I have set the Lord always before me because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefor my heart is glad and my tounge rejoices and my body will rest secure. Psalm 16:8-9

Message my friend to see if she can join me for my second mammogram and ultrasound.

Monday Oct. 24, 2022.

Second Mammogram and Ultrasound.

Hour conversation with Jonah while he discerns next steps after missing a medication dose needed to navigate his epilepsy. Did this while riding my exercise bike. Finished with enough time to shower and travel the 40 minutes to my appointment. It was a day of strong winds and rains both to and from the appointment. So glad my friend was with me.

Appointment confirms the shadow discovered in first mammogram is indeed a mass. Meet with nurse manager to schedule biopsy to determine if it is cancerous.

My sister calls. She is requesting that I make a trip to Texas to help my parents pack for their move. After months of anticipation they will relocate to a senior living center 1 hour from me. Mom has been diagnosed with Alzheimers and a smaller home closer to family is needed. I share the news that I have need of a biopsy and my sister immediately adjusts her work and family life to stay longer to help our parents. It all feels like really bad timing. My sister and I make the decision to not share this information with our parents due to the enormous stress of their current transition season. I would pray about the appropriate time to share.

Tuesday Oct. 25,2022.

Journal Entry: Gratitude list

  • Warm blanket
  • Modest male ultrasound tech
  • Clarity with each step
  • Cindy riding with me. Cindy’s prayer for me in the car while I cried in the parking lot.
  • Lisa’s text that brought light and love.
  • energy to lead business events from 6:30 pm to 10 p.m. the night of my appointment.
  • Toms’ volleyball team wins in 3!
  • Jonah – finds the right meds.

Wed. Oct 26, 2022

“Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire.” Hebrews 12:28

“Simply put, if you’re not willing to take what is dearest to you, whether plans or people, and kiss it goodbye, you can’t be my disciple. Luke 14:33 MSG

Thursday Oct. 27, 2022

Biopsy – morning

Saturday Oct. 29, 2022

Thoughts from Romans 12 The Message Version:

-Fix my attention on God

  • God brings the best out of you, Develops well formed maturity in you.
  • Love from the center of who you are.
  • Discover beauty in everyone
  • Don’t quit in hard times, pray all the harder.
  • Don’t let evil get the best of you, get the best of evil by doing good.

Sunday Oct. 30, 2022

“You make known to me the path of life, you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.” Psalm 16:11 NIV

“I always remember that the Lord is with me. He is here, close by my side, so that nothing can defeat me.” ERV Psalm 16:11

Monday Oct. 31, 2022

Journal Entry: List of God Attributes

  • Creator
  • In Charge
  • Give authority in Heaven and earth
  • Direct my Path
  • Light
  • You give me ALL that I need
  • You support me
  • You give me my share
  • Your word sustains.

” I pray that God will open our minds to see His truth. Then we will know the hope that he has chosen us to have. We will know that the blessings God has promised his holy people are rich and glorious. And we will know that God’s power is very great for us who believe. It is the same as the mighty power He used to raise Christ from death and put him at His right side in the heavenly places. He put Christ OVER ALL the rulers, authorities, powers and kings. He gave him Authority over everything that has power in this world or the next world. God put everything under Christs power and made him head over everything for the church. The church is Christ’s body. It is filled with him. He makes everything complete in every way. ” Eph 1:18- 19.

11:15 a.m. I receive a call that my biopsy has confirmed Ductal Carcinoma- Breast cancer. My doctor is personal friends with the best surgeon in town and he immediately sends a text directly to her personal phone. His message moved me to the top of her list. One week later I would meet with Dr. Mindi Beahm Surgeon to discuss biopsy results, next steps.

11:30 a.m. Move back into a long list of tasks connected with my business. We would finish one of our best production months as a team in my 20 years in business. It would appear that my next months would hold both great joy and challenge in many areas of my life.

Nov. 1, 2022

After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all Grace will himself complete, confirm, strengthen and establish you, (making you what you ought to be) To Him be dominion, power, authority, sovereignty forever and ever Amen.” 1 Peter 5

“Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God ( set aside self righteous pride) so that He may exalt you ( to a place of honor in His service) at the appropriate time, casting all my cares (all my anxieties, all my worries, and all my concerns, once and for all) on Him, for He cares about me and my family with deepest affection and watches over us very carefully.” 1 Peter 5:6-7

Today we would tell our kids about my diagnosis. This concerned me more than the actual diagnosis. My pre-op time with Jesus confirmed this was where we would start our reveal. It also provided me with the peace needed in each phone call we made to our three children.

My pre-op was critical. It was the hours with Jesus that preceded this season that have made all the difference. It gave me the lens to look through, the faith muscle to lean on and the discernment to know when and how to share, to not share.

On the eve of my last radiation treatment this week I received news that a young mom in our town was not doing well. She had battled aggressive cancer for the last two years. It appeared that her journey on earth would soon come to a close. The same evening we became aware of an active shooter on the campus of Michigan State University – a place near and dear to our families heart. I fell asleep holding the excitement of my cancer treatments ending the next day in one hand and the unknown of a woman’s cancer journey and the lives of thousands of college students in the other. I spent the next morning receiving my last treatment, delivering cookies to the staff, ringing my bell and going out for a celebratory lunch with a friend. I returned home to watch a few moments of the Parade being held for the Kansas City Chiefs Super Bowl champions, while reading a text that the sweet young mom had indeed ended her cancer battle and was now in the arms of Jesus and that 3 college students were confirmed dead and 5 in critical condition after the rampage of a rouge gunman at MSU. Mountain peaks and valleys – indeed.

Whew. Pre- op. Daily time with Jesus. Listening, learning, crying out, celebrating, questioning.. the one who holds each day in his hand. If you are reading this feeling like you just cant hold it all together – the highs and lows of this life… because you are trying to do it all alone.. Let me confirm…

You’re right.

It may be time for your own personal Pre-op time.

Make an appointment today.

Your Doctor is IN.

Colorado Springs, Sept. 2022. Part of my pre-op month was spent with my oldest daughter after her knee surgery. Another unexpected event that reminded me of a need for a close walk with the Lord.